I Misspoke or I Was Taken Wrong

Posted on 14 October 2009 | 3 comments

I have been told that many people read this blog, which is true. I can tell by the number of hits it receives. Apparently, I need to correct a few things I have said and one big idea that some people misinterpreted from my blog because they have been taken incorrectly by the people I have said them to, or who have read them.

  1. Do not simply study twelve texts for your comprehensive exams; however, you will only use twelve on the actual test. You should study several from each time period and be intimately involved with at least three or four from each time period outside of your own. By intimately involved I mean that you should know everything you possibly can about them, writing down what questions you could use them for would be helpful. Hopefully, the rest of your education will fill in the gaps that are left. This is risky, so make sure you are well-rounded in your knowledge to start with.
  2. Make sure you study the periods, movements, genres, forms, and other general information. This is the key to success. You don’t want your oral exams committee to wonder if you really know about Modernism because you have to stumble over yourself, cobbling together the main tenets of that particular literary movement.
  3. I did study, but I wish I would have studied more. I wish I would have studied more thoroughly and smarter. I wish I wouldn’t have had to paint my house, remodel my house, go on two separate week-long vacations, have people staying at my house, and most importantly, I wish I could have majored in English in my undergrad so I would have had a better foundation for all of this. My insecurity in passing my exams lies in the fact that I am afraid: one day will everyone discover that I am a fraud?

Having said all of that, I wish adult life could be less similar to middle school. I wish we could stop talking about each other and telling stories about others to make ourselves feel better. I wish we could each be secure enough in our attributes to recognize the beauty in each other rather than exploiting the shortcomings.

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Posted in Just for Fun

10K. Another 10K. Italian Food. So Much of It.

Posted on 11 October 2009 | 1 comment

On Saturday, I ran my first 10K. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that means I really jogged a 10K, but saying jogged isn’t nearly as sexy as saying ran. So, I ran my first 10K. I finished. Last. Dead last. All said and done, the run took me an hour and twenty-four minutes, which is approximately 13.5 minutes per mile, not so bad for a fat kid. I came in third in my age group. I won a ribbon, a ribbon I promptly lost on the way home. Because I don’t have a car and so my legs wouldn’t be rubber today, I rode my bike to the race. On my way home, my ribbon fell out of my sweatshirt pocket. I am not sure where. I didn’t bother to go back and look. I love it that I came in dead last, but still got a ribbon! Magic. And all good things.

Today is Bec’s fiftieth birthday. The big 5-0. We celebrated by spending time with Ed, Abs, and Iz yesterday and by going to the Salamonie Reservoir to hike about 5.5 or 6 miles today. We started this new tradition last year when it was almost 80º. This year it was less than 50º, but the hike was still excellent. Actually, it was perfect. We walked along the tree trail, which is a trail that has all the tress marked for the students who are supposed to do leaf collections for school, and then cut over to the Kon-Ti-On-Ki Bike Trail. I suppose Kon-Ti-On-Ki is some pseudo-American Indian name, but I think it means Government Mind-Fuck or Big Brother is Watching You because the trail just folds over on itself again and again. Each time we walk it, I swear there is someone hovering slightly above the trees, checking to make sure we follow the path. I am waiting to get shocked for stepping out of bounds.

Once we finished hiking, we drove to Fort Wayne and had dinner at Casa! Ristorante. The food was fantastic, but there was so much of it that we both have at least two meal’s worth of food left over. Right now, I am sitting here watching the Travel Channel’s Extreme Pigout and wondering why we find it necessary to make foods like the ones shown. One restaurant offered two pancakes, each a foot in diameter, topped with a half pound of strawberries, two bananas, and a half-cup of chocolate chips. The order of pancakes is over 2000 calories. For breakfast.  Do we need to wonder why people keep getting fatter? When did it become cool to stuff yourself silly? I mean, the Romans did it once in a while at an orgy, but overindulging every day for every meal is almost certainly an American invention. I get tired of going out for dinner, paying an exorbitant price, and then having food left over that won’t taste anywhere near as good the next day. Pasta and pizza are passable, but most foods are simply not edible (or tasty) a second time around. I would much prefer to pay a bit less and get an actual portion of food. And one that tastes delicious. Don’t get me wrong, our food today was great. In fact, it was one of the best Italian meals I’ve had in a long time, but there was so much! It’s in the fridge now for tomorrow’s lunch. And Tuesday’s lunch.

The coming week is sure to be less hectic than the last, but I am sure it will have its own busy moments. I have several social meetings this week, as well as a couple of new school-related appointments. Tomorrow, I am having coffee with a woman from church after Abs and I have our first meeting for our creative writing group at Burris. Tuesday, I am meeting my friend, Stephanie, at the Blue Bottle for coffee if I don’t forget again! I am supposed to have narrowed down the books I plan to use and start a literature review for my dissertation, so I can meet with Debbie in a week. I know I need to read one book, because I think it will fit in well with my proposed topic. Finally, I need to get the book, Judith Butler’s Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable?, for the group I am in so I can start reading it. Also, I just finished grading my students’ first set of papers, and their second set is due on Tuesday. Just when I thought things would slow down, they have sped right back up again.

1 Comment

Posted in Dissertation, Fat, Food, Reading, Running, School, Teaching

Well, I’m up. What more do you want?

Posted on 9 October 2009 | 2 comments

As nights of no sleep go, this night takes the cake. I went to sleep at 10 PM and woke up sometime around 1:30 AM. I drifted in and out sleep until 2:30, then laid their until I finally got out of bed at 3 AM. Of course, I did what I always do when I can’t sleep. I went downstairs and watched Roseanne.

The two I watched this morning were episodes I had never seen before, so I consider this little bout of insomnia worthwhile. I didn’t realize that Tim Curry was in an episode, playing a con-artist business man, Roger. He plays the skeeze like a master. The best part of the episode was that Sandra Bernhard was in it as Nancy. She wanted to have Roger’s baby, but she hadn’t told him her plan. When he skipped town with $5000 of Nancy’s money and an equal amount of Dan and Roseanne’s, Nancy was only upset because she hadn’t yet ovulated during their relationship.

The second episode was the one in which Darlene and David have sex for the first time, which ends up not really factoring into the episode at all. Instead, the focus is on the fact that Darlene gets accepted into a writing program in Chicago while David does not get accepted into an art program at he same school. Of course, Roseanne flies off the handle because she told Darlene she couldn’t leave Lanford. I guess this was a good way to spend my morning.

I just discovered the most wonderful thing: Roseanne is on for an hour on FOX, then half and hour later, it is on for an hour on Nickelodeon.

It’s almost five now, and I am no less sleepy than I was when I went to bed last night; however, I am wide awake.

I had to stress over my Burris students and the logistics of getting them to read the second MAUS book. Foolishly, I didn’t order the two in one books, which would have been the easier solution. Maybe Rachel’s students will let them borrow their books.

I also had to stress over the way the assignment they are going to do for this unit will unfold. Should I have them work in pairs? By themselves? In groups of three? Should we spend an entire week of class doing the assignment? Will they turn out as well as I visualize them? Will they have deep enough concerns to facilitate a deep-consideration of their topic in comic form?

I had to stress over the race on Saturday, spending the better part of an hour visualizing myself coming in dead-last and trying to maintain a well-adjusted countenance about it. I pictured myself just running to my house and calling Bec, Ed, and Abbie to tell them I chickened out. I could never do that, but being a poor sport has its appeals, like saving face.

I had to stress out over getting a whole new set of papers on Tuesday when I just finished grading this one. I also have all the group presentations for my high school student to grade.

I had to stress out over my dissertation proposal. I kept telling myself that I have no idea what I am doing, so I should just give up. And then I told myself that I will be fine, that no one knows how to write a dissertation or its proposal until it is written, and that I should be able to get it done in three months if I can simply buckle down and do it.

I had to stress over my remaining conferences, because I have two of the most difficult ones today. And I had to sit here thinking about writing the assignment sheet for the next assignment and how the research/position paper is everyone’s least favorite assignment. I thought about how dry, but essential, it is to teach citations, source validity, and researching, in general.

Essentially, my morning has been spent psyching myself up and down about various things in my life and walking up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. Fantastic.

2 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Religion, Running, School, Teaching

Nostalgia and Grading

Posted on 4 October 2009 | 1 comment

As usual, I am down to the wire on grading, but I am at my brother’s house because we are going to go run after they (Adam, Zac, and William) get back from church. After the events of last weekend, William is living with my brother every weekend now; he is required by his grandfather to go to church every Sunday. As soon as Zac, who spent the night with William last night, gets out of the shower, they are going to leave. Church starts at 11:02 and lasts for about an hour. I think I can finish grading the class I am working on while they are gone. Then I just have the other class to go.

I would finish the papers right now, but my brother is using YouTube to watch the theme songs from old cartoons and television shows that we used to watch. So far we have done Sesame Street, The Electric Company, 3-2-1 Contact, Shirt Tales, The Littles, Fat Albert, Jem, and Rubik, The Amazing Cube. At the top of the computer’s volume. He watches these as the television is on in the corner. Football players talking in their dull, slow monotone juxtaposed with the quick, jingly melodies of cartoon theme songs, all while grading, makes for no grading at all.

I just used my minute of silence while Adam and William went outside to do a photo-shoot of William in his red polo to post this, so I guess I am partially to blame for the fact that I will be up until the wee hours of the morning finishing my grading. So be it. At least I am consistent.

I will post more about this ridiculously hilly run later. I hope it prepares me well for the 10K next weekend.

EDIT: This run was amazing. I wish I lived in Anderson or two reasons: I would get to see my brother more often and I could run at the Mounds every weekend. I love trail running because it is such a change from the drudgery of the street. Once you’ve seen one asphalt or concrete  thoroughfare, you’ve seen them all. Of course, the scenery on a street is ever-changing, but the foot-feel is monotonous. I sort of jones on having to watch for roots and rocks with every footstep. The route we ran took us along the river, up and down several hills in the woods, and past a few of the park’s features, like the Great Mound, a brick house, and their park office. The only thing that sucked was their marking system. I mean, there wasn’t one. I thought I was lost, but I just kept running along the river, assuming that I would either make it back to Muncie or to Illinois.

1 Comment

Posted in Running, Teaching

Still Twisted Up in My Midsection

Posted on 30 September 2009 | 4 comments

This is how I feel. Like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

I_see_this_colour_by_dev1n

I am still a bit twisted up, but for different reasons. I am finished wasting away over not studying for my exams as thoroughly as I should have–barely at all–and still passing them. I do occasionally, like right now, feel guilty about my ability to get by, but more importantly,  I think I am disgusted at my apathy. I assume one day my ability to get by will cease to exist, and then I will be stuck not knowing how to do it any other way. I just want to finish school, to get a job, and to do what I think I love, which is teaching, though sometimes I still wrestle with what I perceive to be my calling into ministry. What am I doing with that?

Really, I just want to find what it is that makes me happy. I think it is teaching. I love it when I am teaching, but can I see myself doing it forever? Yeah. But, I want to sense that passion that I see in other people for doing what they love. I want to be in a position where I can do what I love and not worry if it makes money. I suppose that is what everyone wants. I guess I am not finished stressing about any of this, but I have just added more stress on top of it. And, as always, I have shoved it all down so I don’t have to deal with it. I suppose one day I will explode. Then I will really look like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

*

I am struggling right now with being a Christian and not liking my pastor. I feel sort of shallow for disliking him, because he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He just doesn’t wrestle with the text in an intellectual way. He processes it emotionally and thinks it is okay to stop there. I want a pastor who stresses himself or herself out over a reading of Scripture that s/he can live with, not who moves solely by emotion to interpret it. I want exegesis and hermeneautics. You know, intellectual wrangling, cultural application, and faithful interpretations. I don’t want Muppet videos, funny voices, and jumping up and down. I can get excited about a life-changing, hierarchy-smashing ethic without fireworks. If God’s word doesn’t have the power to change and shape my heart and my mind, no amount of emotion is going to either.

Does this mean I am above emotional response to Scripture? By no means. I simply mean that I don’t think hearts are changed through emotive blasts of performance, but they are changed by the Truth of the words spoken. If the words spoken contain few Truths, it doesn’t matter how excitedly they are spoken. If the words are empty, they bang hollow off the back wall of the church and resound slowly around the room. Their hollowness is not masked by their magnitude or frequency. They are still just words.

So, please give me solid spiritual food. I am finished with the milk. Or am I? Maybe this is my problem: I am not finished with the milk. I am still trying to figure out whether I follow Paul or Apollos. As Paul writes:

Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere human beings? For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings?

Is this my problem? Am I still so worried about the human I follow that I deserve to still drink milk? Maybe, my goal in addressing this problem should be changing my own attitude about it, rather than expecting some type of external change. After all, it makes Bec happy to help lead worship, so I guess I should try to change my own heart before bailing out. I should change my heart to follow Jesus rather than being so needy and leaning on a man who is merely God’s servant. I am sure he is trying to do what he thinks is best. I am sure there those who didn’t like Paul, Peter, Apollos, James or any of the other apostles or early teachers of Christianity, but their dislike for their human leaders did not dissuade them from being part of the Church.

*

At times like these, I am especially grateful for my relatively new athletic endeavors.

Swimming is going well. Last night, I swam 1000 yards in under twenty minutes, which isn’t bad for me. I was going to time myself on a mile, but I didn’t have much time to swim because I had to get a ride from Bec. I didn’t ride my bike yesterday because my bag was too heavy, and I didn’t want to walk home in the dark. Still, I swam 1600 yards in about 35 minutes. That should count for something.

Running is going okay. I ran five and a half miles yesterday, and I am scheduled to run the same tomorrow morning. After I ran yesterday, my feet felt like I had been hitting the bottoms of them with a hammer. I need new shoes, so I will go get those since I finally got paid. I hope they have a pair of the same ones I got last time. If they do, I will just buy them so I don’t have to try on a bunch of new ones. I could really use new trail shoes, too, but I only have enough money for one pair.

On Sunday, I am going to run with Adam. We are going to run the five miles that we will run together in a race on November 1. Apparently, the race is grueling and Adam wants me to run the trails before race day. Either way, I am running it. I may come in last, but I will finish. If I have to walk, I will finish. The race and practice run should be good times. And good stress release.I am surprised I don’t run more, fueled by my stress.

4 Comments

Posted in Grace, Just for Fun, Religion, Running, School, Swimming