Tag Archives: Christianity

Lent and a New Planner

Posted on 8 March 2025 | Leave a comment

A few weeks ago I purchased a new planner to help me organize myself better, because I am extremely unorganized in most areas of my life, and I find that I can’t remember things like I used to be able to remember them. I find myself double-booking, forgetting events, and generally getting overwhelmed and falling behind with things I need to pay closer attention to. I ordered a beautiful yellow planner with a big sunflower on the front—I like flowers—from Passion Planner. I will admit that they are a little pricey, but so far the extra touches and emails have made it worth it. One email was a weekly insert asking me to consider the ways in which I love myself and what I can do to remind myself of those things more regularly. Worthwhile.

A couple of things I love already are the way the planner has the user reiterate their goals, their focus each day, and their events. This should help me remember what drives me. The other thing I love so far is that the planner begins by having the user identify their core values; first they rank several values, then they group them, then they decide which three are their core values that motivate them, or that move them. In the end, I settled on three (each with a sub value, so six total): altruism/community, grace/peace, and wisdom/humility. If I am honest, these six values have been part of my guiding force for most of my life, and I am excited to intentionally work toward a better understanding of them, so I can better apply them in all areas of my life.

I mention all of this, because I had a difficult time discerning how to practice my faith this Lent. I knew I wanted to leave behind social media for at least these 40-ish days, because I have been spending way too much time just aimlessly scrolling. Today, for example, had I not given up social media, I may have missed out on my walk—no, I would have missed out on my walk because I wouldn’t have moved from the couch. If I had missed out on my walk, I wouldn’t have seen the herd of deer running through the brush in the wetlands preserve, I wouldn’t have heard the frogs peeping in the marsh there, and I may not have seen all of the geese, ducks, and other birds out doing their spring things. More importantly, one of my big goals for this year is to complete the Muncie 70.3, as I wrote in my last post. And, had I been scrolling, I would have spent one more day just sitting, not moving my body. To be honest, I am completely terrified about finishing this event. I know I can swim and bike, but the run/walk has me nervous!

In addition to giving up social media, which I understand in the grand scheme of this world isn’t earth shattering or really even a sacrifice, I have decided I am going to be intentional (again) about reading my Bible and trying (still) to make it through the entire text from beginning to end, but let me just say that Chronicles is just rough. Every single time. I guess I feel led to do this and to tell you about it, because I have also moved my membership (finally) from the UMC to the Episcopal Church, which I have loved for more than a decade. And, the best part of loving the Episcopal Church is they love me back, rather than just tolerating me, so I feel invested in my faith in a new way. I have been trying to get back into a deeper relationship with God for a few years now, and I’ve been missing some things, so refocusing is helping me think deeper and to try harder to rekindle that faith.

Finally, one of the best things happened to me while Bec was here visiting. If you know us, you know church is really important to both of us, because church is the outward expression of our inward faith. Just so we’re clear, our collective faith and belief in Jesus is the important part here, not the institution of church. But, I digress. What was cool is that we were asked to present the elements for eucharist at the Ash Wednesday service. I was hesitant because of my Brian (my brain when it behaves anxiously, what if I trip? what if I drop it? what if my pants are stuck in my butt crack? what if I forget to bow to the altar (which I did)?), but Bec was eager to do it because she is a communion steward at her church and isn’t afraid of being in front of people in any capacity, which I admire about her. We did it, and it was lovely, and all of the wafers and wine made it to the front of the church successfully. Since, we rarely get to see each other, and even more rarely get to go to church together, presenting the elements was an extra special gift for the two of us. To make it even more special, we were also celebrating our 12 anniversary or our handfasting ceremony. In short, the day was lovely and meaningful.

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Thanks giving. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed.

Posted on 24 November 2024 | Leave a comment

On this Sunday before Thanksgiving, I am at school sitting at my desk grading papers with the fluorescent lights off and only a little LED lamp that my mother-in-law bought me for Christmas one year plugged in and shining brightly. I would like to be caught up on my grading before I leave for Minnesota for break, but I know that I will only be closer to caught up, because I am still so far behind. I am the furthest behind I have ever been in my professional career. And I am not actually sure I will get caught up in time which is a scary feeling actually. I am not really sure what got me this far behind.

Unless it was cross country season where I spent nearly every Saturday in a bus and outside in the hot sun for hours watching middle schoolers run. Unless it was the addition of a lot of new expectations for communication with people which wears me out in a way I can’t explain. Unless it was my own mental health not allowing me to use every weekend for work because I needed some time to not think about teaching. Unless it was my own relentless struggle with my faith and how to live it in this world. Unless it was that I am paralyzed with fear about the next four years and beyond because let’s be real no one is doing any real systemic thing to try to change this world and it’s functioning exactly as it has been built to function, Capitalistically.

I recently bought a new t-shirt from a former coworker who makes their living by screen printing shirts and being an artist, perhaps one of the new, and last, noble professions. They always make some shirts that donate money to different causes, an admirable thing to do. The most recent shirt I bought from them is the softest, most beautifully colored, best fitting olive green tshirt with an image of a Ball/Mason jar with a black ant and a red ant inside it. They designed the tshirt to reflect Kurt Vonnegut’s famous scene from Cat’s Cradle in which one character say to another: “‘What he was doing was spooning different kinds of bugs into the jar and making them fight.’ The bug fight was so interesting that I stopped crying right away–forgot all about the old man. I can’t remember what all Frank had fighting in the jar that day, but I can remember other bug fights we staged later on: one stag beetle against a hundred red ants, one centipede against three spiders, red ants against black ants. They won’t fight unless you keep shaking the jar. And that’s what Frank was doing, shaking, shaking, the jar.'” I like to think about my shirt in regard to Henry David Thoreau’s observation of ants in Walden, once at war they will simply kill each other until there is nothing left. And the fight is unsettling to watch. We are the ants in both scenarios. As both authors make clear. We’ve been spooned into a jar and the jar is being shaken to shit by systemic nonsense while we simply try to kill each other, metaphorically, of course, because literal killing is frowned upon, unless the person happens to be different than—and usually less powerful than—we are.

Why am I writing today of all days about being behind and about humants? Well, I haven’t written here for a really long time, and it’s almost thanksgiving, and I usually want to be thankful at this time. But this year I am really struggling to find the good in this world. Really. Struggling. Are there things for which I am grateful, thankful, blessed (as the good Christian folk say)? Yes. I am thankful for existing. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for a job. I am thankful for my dog. I am thankful for the sunrise and sunset, the stars and moon, the trees and grass, the water and the land. I am thankful for shelter, food, intellect, students, coffee, and I could go on and on making a list of a million things for which we should all be grateful, thankful, blessed. For which I am thankful.

What I am thankful for pales in comparison to the terror I hold at living life every day as my authentic self in this world right now. I could even explain how the smallest most mundane things thrill me and how people look at me with suspicion when I talk about how in love with this physical world I am when seeing an egg broken on the ground with ants feasting inside on the yolk that is stuck sticky on the sides. Or how people dismiss me when I explain how the lavender of the soy bean fields is my favorite color in this whole wide world. Or how people can’t see that this world is on fire in so many ways, big and small, macrocosmically and microcosmically. We can’t sustain this. We are bifurcated and shored up on those two sides. Everything is not a binary. We don’t talk with each other anymore. We don’t try to be curious or seek understanding. We’ve been made to fear the other. Fear breeds anger breeds fear breeds anger breeds fear… eventually we simply hate.

So, where does this leave me? At a precipice. Do we move forward as if nothing is happening, or do we figure out now how to get caught up, how to live a life we love, how to be grateful, thankful, blessed for the small things, how to right the systems that make us into humants? How do we begin to undo the damage of hatred and separation that is the hallmark of this time period? Do we start a conversation with someone not like us? Do we dare, DARE, share a meal with someone on the other side? Maybe a meal like some bread and wine?

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James 1: Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak, Slow to Wrath

Posted on 25 October 2021 | Leave a comment

My favorite book of the Bible is James, so it is fitting that when I am trying for the first time in nearly ten years to begin a daily habit of reading Scripture, contemplating it, and spending some time thinking and praying, that I would begin back with James. James, the doer of the word, not just the contemplator. I like doing and being active and employing what I am learning. I certainly wouldn’t classify myself as a navel gazer, only, though I do a fair bit of that as I try to figure out how to act or use what I am learning. From an article by Saint Andrew’s Abbey, about the relationship between practice and contemplation: “Practice and contemplation were understood as the two poles of our underlying, ongoing spiritual rhythm: a gentle oscillation back and forth between spiritual ‘activity’ with regard to God and ‘receptivity.'”

Today I read the first chapter of James in the Lectio Divina style of reading. In short, in Lectio Divina, the reader quiets her mind, then asks God to guide her through her reading, then reads slowly and meditatively in order to parse out what God wants to show her that day. Then the reader has a prayer dialogue with God about that verse, then finally she rests or meditates in the meaning of the Scripture.

The verses that called out to me as I read this first chapter this morning were verses 19 and 20: “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” I spend a lot of time listening to other people, particularly my students, so the beginning of verse 19 that says, be swift to hear and slow to speak reminds me how I should receive people, being real and present with the person who is directly across from you at any given moment.

The goal is to be intent about your interaction with the other person, focusing on the moment and hearing what that person is saying. It’s been one of my goals for the past two years to speak less and listen more deeply and intently. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I don’t, and when I don’t, I find that I later regret that I wasn’t more intent on hearing the ideas, dreams, and concerns of the person with whom I was talking.

The second part, really the third point of verse 19 is to be slow to wrath. Generally speaking, for me, I find that I am more able to be slow to wrath if I have listened well and if I converse with a person to understand who they are, why they think like they do, and how I fit into their world if I do. I think being slow to wrath comes from really taking time to interact with people and to have difficult conversation and in depth sharing from ideas and thoughts, no matter diverse or distinct those ideas may be.

Further, I believe the reason that verse 20 says, “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God,” is that when we don’t listen to others and when we don’t engage others in discussion, we tend to act rashly and with an anger that is superficial and dangerous. However, if we do take that time to listen to both our fellow humans and to God, and when we engage in that heavy conversation and that deep interaction, we don’t get angry quickly.

Instead, we save our anger for things that anger God, like systemic problems that result in disenfranchised groups being further pushed aside, or like domestic problems where people are put into dangerous situations simply because our laws are archaic, or monetary difficulties because churches and government programs are overwhelmed with people who need help.

In short, I think verse 20 is telling us not to avoid anger in every situation, like I was taught when I was younger, but it’s telling us to not waste our anger on human concerns that can be resolved by listening and talking through those concerns. The last few words of verse 20 say that our anger “does not produce the righteousness of God.” This end phrase leaves room for Christians to be angry, but not about human trivialities. We are to reserve anger for those things, which God perceives as unrighteous, unholy, then our anger can produce the righteousness of God.

It’s especially important to notice that these verses are sandwiched between a verse about being birthed in the word of truth, and two other verses about getting rid of wickedness and becoming meek in order to be doers of the word and not just hearers. Part of the appeal of the book of James for me, as I said at the beginning, is that James wants us to act. We are to use our quick listening and slow speaking in order to avoid wrath, but not in order to avoid acting; we’re just not supposed to act rashly and in human wrath.

This morning was a beautiful time of considering Scripture, which I haven’t done seriously in quite some time. Now to employ what I’ve learned and to continue this practice each day.

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Posted in Christianity, Ethics, Prayer, Social Justice, Spirituality, Theology

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Spirituality

Posted on 4 November 2018 | Leave a comment

I’d be lying if I said spirituality is easy for me, but I’d also be lying if I said it didn’t matter or was difficult. My spirituality is by far the most important and integral part of my life, but it’s also one of the most complicated facets.

On my way back to coffee shop I visited yesterday, on my way back to actually complete my lesson plans for next week, I went past Taylor University, a small very conservative Christian college in Upland, Indiana. I am not a fan of their theology or their ridiculous set of strict rules, but I do feel like many of my favorite people in this world have gone there and gotten out relatively unscathed. Some of them seem to have even learned a thing or along the way. Taylor is also a somewhat rivalry of my theological alma mater, Anderson University, an equally conservative and rule-ridiculous college about 45 minutes away.

Anyway, I bring up Taylor University because my spirituality these days is heavily influenced by Jesus and Buddha, but not by any official church or religion. I pray, I meditate, I try to be kind and compassionate. Some days are more successful than others, but I haven’t been to an actual church service, except for watching my grandchildren be baptized, for about two years, I’d say. This is not because I don’t find it valuable—the Episcopal Church has my organized religion heart—but I just find that I can practice my spiritual pretty much anywhere. If I am not careful, I am moved to spiritual tears by pretty much anything.

Back to this morning—all these asides make my head spin, but that’s just how my brain works—when I drove past Taylor Lake on my way to some of the most beautiful scenery in East Central Indiana, a road that, when I was in high school, people called Devil’s Backbone, ironic because of TU being right there, I had a feeling in my gut that was so familiar.

If you know my story, you know I was baptized at a very young age, maybe 6, after accepting Jesus into my heart in an old, brown recliner chair where I prayed the Sinner’s Prayer with my mom one night before bed time. If you know my story even better, you know that I by no means believe that is how a conversion experience works, or that we maybe don’t even need conversion, because we are all good and pure and beautiful on the inside anyway, but that is how it happened for me at 4, 5, or 6.

As I drove past TU this morning with a beautiful pink sunrise and the fall leaves reflecting on the smooth water of the lake, I was transported back to 40 years ago when I wore a little white sundress and waded into a cold, slightly mucky, and very weedy, Taylor Lake to make a public profession of the faith that was shaping me. I waded in to the water, said I confessed my sins, promised to live a good life, and then I was under the water, looking up through a blur into the sunlight above the water.

As I drove past that lake this morning, my heart moved, my spirit stirred, I began to cry, and I wondered when everything in this world got so unbeautiful and so difficult and so mean. I wished I could go back and see the world through the water into the sun, weeds wrapped around my little ankles, safe in a feeling that everything would be alright.

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Posted in Baptism, Buddhism, Christianity, Church, Grace, Meditation, Prayer, Religion, Spirituality

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September (FALL/AUTUMN) is Here, and I Couldn’t Be More Excited

Posted on 25 September 2016 | Leave a comment

Pushups for Veterans

I was challenged by friend Shon Byrum, the Mayor of Winchester, Indiana, to a Facebook challenge. I don’t typically partake in Facebook challenges, because I fail to see how they do any good, since they focus on some effort that neither raises money for, nor provides a solution to, whatever problem the challenge is supposedly addressing. This challenge, though, raises awareness about a problem that I think is particularly important.

Why is it that so many of our honorable veterans come home, only to end their lives shortly thereafter?

For the particular challenge Shon invited me to do, the acceptor of the challenge is required to do 22 pushups for 22 days in honor, or memory, of the approximately 22 veterans per day who commit suicide because of PTSD or another mental illness. I’ve done two days worth of pushups, and I’ve challenged two other people to the same challenge, which is a part of it. They are then requires to pass the challenge on, so awareness is spread via the viral nature of social media.

Starting tomorrow, I’m raising the bar on this challenge for myself. I’m putting 50¢ in a fund toward a veteran’s charity that helps with mental health care services for members of the military who are returning from war. By the end of the challenge, if my math is right, which it may not be, I’ll be donating a total of $220 to help our veterans who’ve been damaged by the effects of war. I haven’t yet decided which charity I will chose, but I’m doing research. I’m leaning toward The Soldier’s Project; my only hesitation is that their help is only available in limited parts of the country.

Starting tomorrow, I’m also going to include a different link to a different charity each day in my post. I’d love it my friends and family would also make small donations to those charities in honor of this challenge. Then, I think, I’d feel like I’m doing more than just raising awareness of a problem, but I’d also be helping to provide a solution to the problem as well.

Goals

Running: I’m doing it, and I’m enjoying it more, so I guess that’s progress. I’ve also started swimming again. Merideth and I started with a four day a week pact, but four days is a bit daunting along with running, too, so I am shooting for three days a week from here until the end of October.

Compassion: I’m struggling right now to articulate my spiritual beliefs. On the one hand, I do so love the Jesus, but on the other hand, the things I love about Jesus feel more Buddhist to me than anything, so I am reading a lot about people who have a similar struggle that I do. And there are many of us.

I’ve slipped bit on the vegan front, and I even ate a bit of meat when I was in Texas for training for work. I regretted it immediately. I wanted to breathe the life back into the cow, but I couldn’t, so I just cried instead. Into my hotel pillow. How sad.

Looking back, I’ve lumped a bunch of things into this category of compassion and the one that doesn’t seem to fit is meditation. But it does. I mentioned the other day that meditation has helped me more in my adult life than prayer has, that isn’t really true, I suppose, except that meditation is helping me become friends with myself in a new way. By focusing on my very existence—my breath—  I’m able to recognize my absolute physical impermanence, and through prayer while running, I’m able to contemplate how to use my newfound settledness, inner-peace, or contentment to love in a new way. (I’m sorry if this seems a bit scattered or not really well articulated, but I’m trying to find a way to describe some feelings that are utterly foreign to me.)

To focus my meditation, I’ve been using a mala that I made from a bunch of beads I’ve had since college, but today I ordered a new mala made of jade. Because I use beads when I pray, I find to be especially helpful—but in very different ways—to use beads when I meditate. Meditating each day for nearly a month now has helped me to empathize with people more easily, to pause and give space in conversation, to not have to talk as much, to be able to listen more, and to be able to have unbridled compassion and love.

It’s really beautiful.

Social Media and Creativity: I came back onto Facebook, because I missed some of my friends. I’m learning to balance it and my other activities, so that I am not consumed with comparison (Facebook envy), anger, and an irrational need for feedback and approval. I haven’t done any art, and I’ve done little writing. I have done quite a bit of listening to Podcasts, which are feeding my imagination and making me think differently about the world in which we live. And I’m still reading quite a bit, so I’ll call this successful for now.

Finances: I’m paying things down. Slowly but surely. Not as fast as I wanted, but it’s happening.

Pay It Forward: I’ll be in Canada during the classes for the sexual assault advocacy, and now that I really think about it, there are probably other volunteer opportunities that will suit me better, ones that won’t cause me personal distress. I’m open to suggestions of things people might see me doing, so if you think of anything, I’d be happy to hear about it.

Fall and Autumny Things

Most people know that fall is my favorite season of the four. The air is crisp, the trees are filled with color, and everything looks and feels like it might just curl up and take a nap. Fall is filled with apple cider, hot chocolate, bonfires, and pumpkins; all of which make me extremely happy. I get to have impromptu coffee and writing time with fine people like Ico, and the drive to work doesn’t feel so bad with bright red and yellow trees guiding the way. Essentially, everything is more amazing in the fall.

The two most exciting things for me this fall are that my friends Julie and Alan are coming to visit this weekend and we’re going to an apple orchard/pumpkin farm, and then a couple of weeks later, I get to vacation in Canada with my beautiful wife and my amazing little brother. What’s most awesome about our vacation is that we’ll also get to spend time with Merideth, Josh, and T-Bean in New York.

The end. 

Basically, my life feels like it is on an upswing. I’m working hard to help this be a new way of life for me,

  • one in which I have a balance between setting goals and achieving them, or not.
  • one in which I have personal health, and a healthy way of interacting with other.
  • one in which I am serious, and also feel free.
  • one in which I respect those around me, but I also respect myself.

Peace. Grace.

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Posted in Art, Buddhism, Christianity, Cider, Coffee, Diet, Eating, Fall/Autumn, Fitness, Food, Goals, Grace, Health, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, Minnesota, Prayer, Reading, Relationships, Running, Spirituality, Swimming, Vegan, Vegetarian or Vegan, Wellness, Workout, Writing

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