Category Archives: Goals

In January… like it’s a magical month.

Posted on 23 October 2025 | Leave a comment

Once again, I need a change in my life. I need consistency. I need peace and grace and hope and love. And I plan to get it. In January.

With the death of my dad in September, in addition to the death of my mom in December 2021, in addition to having to move back to Indiana in August of 2018, in addition to downgrading from a teaching job to $8 an hour barista job when I moved to MN, I have been stuck in a dark cave of depression that has been compounded by trying to heal some childhood wounds and trying to function without external stimulation to compensate for the holes in my heart. Basically, I am trying to get myself to a place where I can live with joy and without being so sad all the time.

In January, I have already committed to returning to veganism, which brings me joy. I am excited about it, and I have started by not eating meat since the day Jane Goodall died. I know that’s a weird marker, but when my mom died, bell hooks died, and when my dad died, Jane Goodall died. So I tried to add more radical love to my life in the first instance, and now I am adding back in veganism in the second instance. If you haven’t already, you should read All About Love by bell hooks and The Book of Hope by Jane Goodall. Both texts have revolutionized my life and how I feel about this difficult life and world, and maybe they will give you food for thought as well. I am encouraged by Goodall’s commitment to veganism and animal rights, and I hope to remain a lifelong vegan this time. I’ve been toying with it since 1992, so it’s probably time to commit.

In January, I also plan to ditch social media for the year, which I hope brings me some joy. A few years ago I switched to a flip phone and loved it, until I had to go on a trip and needed the maps app for directions, so I am just going to employ a strategy in which I remove everything but the essential apps from my phone and then have a friend lock it down with a passcode I don’t know. My brain needs a break from all of the doom and gloom in this world, but I also need to know what’s going on, so I will still follow the news, but at my leisure. I also plan to reinvigorate video game playing, taking photographs, writing here, and reading in place of the social media. I spend a extensive amount of time scrolling through bull shit, like animals dancing and people arguing, on my phone when I could be growing my brain in other ways.

In January, I also plan to start running a mile a day, which my brother and I did quite successfully a few years ago, and which I think helps me focus on getting outside even when I don’t want to. My goal is to reach 20,000 steps a day between running and walking. For me 20,000 steps is about 7.5 to 8 miles. Currently, I average about 10,000 steps, but I am not making any kind of conscious effort to get there, so I think with some effort, I can make it to 20,000. I love being outside, and I do love moving my body, but since the depression got worse and I’ve relegated myself to my couch, probably making the depression even worse, I am stuck in that mode, rather than being my typical outdoorsy self.

In January, I want to start some new traditions, too, like regular silent retreats, weekly “community” meals, meaningful meditation, and going to church more regularly. I don’t know. I just need a change. Again.

Maybe now I can break free?

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Posted in Buddhism, Christianity, Fat Runner, Goals, Health, Hope, Joy, Mental Health, New Year, Peace, Running, Vegan, Vegetarian, Vegetarian or Vegan, Walking, Wellness, Writing

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Hope

Posted on 29 December 2024 | Leave a comment

As the calendar year comes to an end and people look back into the past to see what they’ve accomplished and look forward into the near future to set goals, I look back and see that what I accomplished is that I am here. I am still in this mortal coil, still moving forward day by day, and still working to experience joy and, on most days, happiness. For me, simply being here is a huge accomplishment. As I look forward to the new year and as I try to set goals, my only real goal, as always, is to have hope that this year will be better than the last.

In “You Belong to the World,” the first poem in the collection You Are Here: Poetry in the Natural World edited by Ada Limón, the poet Carrie Fountain states, “You belong/ to the world, animal. Deal with it.” If you’ve read this blog for a long time, you know I’ve wrestled with vegetarianism, veganism, paleo eating, omnivorous eating, and a variety of other ways to sustain myself. I do believe that eating vegan is the best choice for us and this world, and vegetarianism is a close second, but I also know that as I age I need more protein than what I can stomach on a vegan diet. Notice, I did not say than what can be attained on a vegan diet, but more than I can ingest. I cannot eat that many lentils. I don’t even like most beans. So, I am choosing instead to eat mindfully, in moderation, all of the things I love, because while I want happiness for the animals, I, too, am an animal and desire happiness and longevity. Maybe one day, again, I will be vegan.

About being an animal and belonging to this world and dealing with it. Again, if you’ve read this blog for longer than a minute, you know I am heavily invested in theology, and so much theology is about what will happen then. Then, as in, when we die. While I have never been thoroughly invested in an “I’m living well now, so I can get to heaven” theology, I have been, since I was very young, invested in a “how do I live my theology, or how do I live like Jesus and Buddha, here on this earth in this year in this specific moment” theology—this was not so popular in seminary, as I was always asking why people were good with the hopes of a future reward, rather than being good because those good works flowed from their beliefs and were a natural consequence of our faith in Jesus—but, I digress. The idea of being an animal who belongs to this earth, so deal with it, seems much in line with my way of theological thinking. We are animals who belong, for up to 100 or so years, to this earth, while simultaneously we are souls who belong infinitely to another realm, string, or timeline—I have yet to parse this out exactly—and while we are here, we belong not only to ourselves, but to the world and those other creatures who inhabit it. In Genesis, humans are given the role of caretakers of the other animals on this planet—so what? it’s a metaphor, mythology, or allegory; we learn from those all of the time. We are not separate from nature, but we are part of it; in fact, we’re the ones who are supposed to make sure the plants and the animals—every last living thing— stay safe and well, so we can all be fruitful and multiply. There’s a reason that all of nature—a hike, a swim, lying in the grass, watching the clouds, feeling the rain— feels so fucking good to us. We belong to it, animals, so deal with it.

How, you may ask, does that effect how I plan to live out my goals this year? Fountain writes, “Even as/ the great abstractions come to take you away,/ the regrets, the distractions, you can at any second/ come back to the world to which you belong,/ the world you never left, won’t ever leave, cells/ forever, forever going through their changes, [. . .].” I hope to come back to this world. I hope to be sober and present in each moment in which I live. I hope to love every thing and every one in that moment. I hope to be vulnerable by sharing the best, and worst, parts of who I am and to allow myself to be shaped for good by those who love me. I hope to move a lot and consume moderately and read some and write some in mindfulness. I hope to honor who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. I hope.

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Posted in Goals, Hope, New Year

Cracker Barrel; Red One; Goals

Posted on 29 November 2024 | Leave a comment

Yesterday for Thanksgiving dinner, my Dad, my brother, and I went to Cracker Barrel and then went to the movie theater to watch Red One. My mom was the one who was the most invested in our holiday feasting, so when she passed a few years ago, our holiday meals changed substantially, and I continued going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving for the most part, so I could spend Christmas here in Indiana with Dad and Adam. The first Christmas after she died, Dad wanted Chinese buffet, so we went to Yummy Grill and Buffet and ate crab rangoon and bad lo mein until we were too full of cream cheese, fake crab, and noodles to worry about the fact that Mom had died twelve days before. We added in a movie because what else do you do when the person who carries the joy is gone.

Red One was really a great holiday flick. I won’t spoil the details of the movie for you, but my mom would have loved its Christmas cheesiness, and a couple of times I got really choked up thinking about how she would have been cheering and yelling at the screen like several of our fellow movie goers. Mom was one of those people who clapped at the end of movies, like the actors on screen could hear her. She also loudly gave instructions to the characters about how they could thwart danger or how they could save the day. I like to think she loves the fact that we all go together to movies more now, since I have learned to tolerate the loudness and flashingness of them. I wish I’d have accomplished that while she was still alive, because I am sure she would’ve loved another movie going partner. I take her with me now, though, so I guess we grow in weird ways in weird timing.

I love Cracker Barrel. I know that isn’t a popular opinion, but their chicken and dumplings, when they are on point, are one of things my little carbohydrate-loving heart craves the most. The dumplings are sticky and thick, the broth is rich and with a little pepper is perfect, and the chicken is tender and moist. The sides are a bit underwhelming, but when I can get mashed sweet potatoes and fried okra without having to figure out what to do with the leftovers, I will take them a little less good than I can make at home. Yesterday, for their special menu, and probably until Christmas, they have Sugar Plum Sweet Tea, which is maybe one of the best drinks I’ve had at casual dining, though it was even a bit sweet for me.

I was amazed by how many people were both at Cracker Barrel and the movie theater, but I also loved that so many people were with their families. There were so many big tables seated at CB that I had to smile and think about all of the love in that place. People were smiling, talking with each other, laughing, and generally enjoying each other’s company in a way that I don’t see as much I would like. At the theater, people were being polite, sharing popcorn, chatting with their family and friends. Some days I get a glimpse into what I love about this world. And I needed that yesterday. I need it every day. But I especially needed it yesterday.

For Christmas, we’re going to try our hand at making an indigenous feast with foods found native in Indiana. We’re starting with deer steaks that Dad was gifted by a neighbor and building from there. Suggestions are always welcome, but the ingredients must be decolonized and indigenous to the Midwest, preferably to Indiana.

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I know my last post was a bit dark. I am trying really hard to figure out how to stay out of that space in my brain, but I have been feeling really overwhelmed since August. “Brian,” my brain when he misbehaves, has been working on overtime mayhem lately, but I have finally caught up on all of my school work, so I think it may be better now. As an ennagram 4w5 (might as well just call myself a 4/5), sometimes I see bits of joy or hope, but I am a little afraid to get too excited about them, or to seize them, because, well, surely sadness will just follow, right? I am working on that too. I want to be hopeful and joyful in a new way in my life. Since the new year starts, in my way of thinking and according to the church calendar, on this coming Sunday with the First Sunday of Advent, I figured why not just put my goals or aspirations or hopes for 2025 out here today; some of them are carry over from 2024, because I didn’t do so well accomplishing them.

  1. Love more. Give and receive more hugs. Tell people, “I love you.”
  2. Be more honest and vulnerable, and trust people to love me. Set better boundaries, tell people when they hurt me, hear them when they tell me I hurt them. Listen to people and believe what they tell me.
  3. Move more. Swim. Bike. Walk. Run. Hike. Dance. Wobble. Play with Luna.
  4. Read and write more. Read the Bible, books, newspapers, magazines. Write about things: gratitude, anger, grief, frustration, hopes, dreams, joy, memories, visions. Start a rage and hope journal.
  5. Practice moderation in consumption. Eat in moderation. Buy in moderation. Use technology in moderation.
  6. Be sober and be present.

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Posted in Abstinence, Addiction, Advent, Biking, Cycling, Diet, Eating, Fall/Autumn, Family, Fitness, Food, Goals, Health, hiking, Joy, Mental Health, New Year, Running, Swimming, Trail, Trail Running, Walking, Writing

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Looking Back and Looking Forward

Posted on 31 December 2022 | 1 comment

The past year has been pretty hard, and I am counting maybe the past two years in this, because they kind of blend together. Maybe, I am even counting everything from March of 2020 as a year, because it has felt like one long, hard season where I have dragged myself from one thing to the next, like everyone else has too. Maybe that’s what pandemics do to people, make us not be able to sense time, because events just slide painfully from one into the other.

Even if something amazing happened in the past three years, for me, those beautiful things have been hidden by the drudgery of every day life, or by the bigger more prevalent things that have just been pain and suffering. But still I am grateful. Because all of these experiences make up who I am today.

Through all of the difficulties since 2020, I have learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be.

And, I have learned a lot about who I am, and who I don’t want to be.

Who I want to be moving into the second half of my life is a kinder person, a more easy going person, a person who I would want to be around. Since I live by myself, I get to spend a lot of time with myself, and sometimes I think that I would not want to spend much time with myself if I didn’t have to because I live within my body and I can’t avoid it. I have some goals for this year, which I have already enumerated, but I also have a guiding question for me for this year: would I want to be friends with me?

I don’t want to be the type of person who I would answer no to that question. I don’t want to spend the second half of my life being afraid that I won’t succeed, being paralyzed by the caparison game, worrying about whether or not I have what everyone else has or can do what everyone else can do, or trying to please people who will never be pleased no matter what I do. I’ve said it here before that I just want to live a life that makes me proud of who I am and what I can uniquely offer to this world.

I want to make choices that benefit as many people as possible. I want to see the good in the people around me. I want to trust people, even when they disappoint me. I want to jump in to help. I want to see the light where there isn’t much light. I want to be a hope bringer.

So, here’s to living love, peace, joy, and here’s to trying to bring light into this dark, dark world.

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Posted in Goals, Joy

46 Years and 48 Days

Posted on 8 September 2020 | Leave a comment

In July, I wrapped up my 46th revolution around the sun and began my 47th. The first 48 days of this revolution have been some of my best days as an adult, even though the last time I wrote about how hot it was in my van with my dog.

The week after my birthday was spent in leisure on our Washington Island property. I spent the days with my wife reading, lying in the hammock or sitting around the fire, cooking food outdoors, eating delicious carry out, drinking coffee, walking to the lake and wading in the water, and being with each other.

During that week and for the past month and a half, I was able to contemplate a few things in my life. I want this year to be governed by three things—to filter every decision through them, like guiding principles—and I am trying to say yes to things that bring me joy,

The first guiding principle is this meditation, which I read in a book, but I don’t remember which one: “What did you do today to make this world a better place? What difference did you make in someone’s life today? How did you let someone make a difference in your life today?” When I end my days in this manner, I get the opportunity to reflect and think about how I am reacting and responding to the events in my life. Sometimes I love what I see. Other times I don’t love what I see. But either way, I have thought deeply about how my day went.

The second guiding principle is a quote from Brother David Vryhof, who is a monastic at the Society of Saint John the Evangelist: “Complaining, or murmuring, as St. Benedict calls it, can have a toxic effect on human communities. Suppose you gave up complaining. Suppose you made it your practice to express what you desire and to work constructively toward achieving it, rather than complaining about the things you don’t like. Could becoming “murmur-free” make a difference in your quality of life and in the quality of life of those around you?” Not complaining about things is challenging, but when I can adhere to the spirit of this quote, my life feels more peaceful and more loving.

Lastly, this poem by Mary Anne Perrone sums up a lot of what I am feeling these days:

Life at Midlife

I am no longer waiting for a special occasion; I burn the best candles on ordinary days.
I am no longer waiting for the house to be clean; I fill it with people who understand that even dust is Sacred.
I am no longer waiting for everyone to understand me; It’s just not their task
I am no longer waiting for the perfect children; my children have their own names that burn as brightly as any star.
I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop; It already did, and I survived.
I am no longer waiting for the time to be right; the time is always now.
I am no longer waiting for the mate who will complete me; I am grateful to be so warmly, tenderly held.
I am no longer waiting for a quiet moment; my heart can be stilled whenever it is called.
I am no longer waiting for the world to be at peace; I unclench my grasp and breathe peace in and out.
I am no longer waiting to do something great; being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough.
I am no longer waiting to be recognized; I know that I dance in a holy circle.
I am no longer waiting for Forgiveness.
I believe, I Believe.

In addition to living by these principles, I have begun accomplishing some tangible goals. I started reading a few chapters of the Bible each day. I am attempting to read a leisure book each month. I’m running every day, which is always something that makes my life better. And, I am fully embracing veganism for all of the reasons!

These guiding principles, living into my goals, and a job that makes me feel alive again are making these days beautiful.

They aren’t easy, but they are beautiful.

 

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Posted in Fat, Fat Runner, Fitness, Goals, Grace, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, Reading, Relationships, Running, Spirituality, Trail Running, Vegan, Wellness