Category Archives: New Year

In January… like it’s a magical month.

Posted on 23 October 2025 | Leave a comment

Once again, I need a change in my life. I need consistency. I need peace and grace and hope and love. And I plan to get it. In January.

With the death of my dad in September, in addition to the death of my mom in December 2021, in addition to having to move back to Indiana in August of 2018, in addition to downgrading from a teaching job to $8 an hour barista job when I moved to MN, I have been stuck in a dark cave of depression that has been compounded by trying to heal some childhood wounds and trying to function without external stimulation to compensate for the holes in my heart. Basically, I am trying to get myself to a place where I can live with joy and without being so sad all the time.

In January, I have already committed to returning to veganism, which brings me joy. I am excited about it, and I have started by not eating meat since the day Jane Goodall died. I know that’s a weird marker, but when my mom died, bell hooks died, and when my dad died, Jane Goodall died. So I tried to add more radical love to my life in the first instance, and now I am adding back in veganism in the second instance. If you haven’t already, you should read All About Love by bell hooks and The Book of Hope by Jane Goodall. Both texts have revolutionized my life and how I feel about this difficult life and world, and maybe they will give you food for thought as well. I am encouraged by Goodall’s commitment to veganism and animal rights, and I hope to remain a lifelong vegan this time. I’ve been toying with it since 1992, so it’s probably time to commit.

In January, I also plan to ditch social media for the year, which I hope brings me some joy. A few years ago I switched to a flip phone and loved it, until I had to go on a trip and needed the maps app for directions, so I am just going to employ a strategy in which I remove everything but the essential apps from my phone and then have a friend lock it down with a passcode I don’t know. My brain needs a break from all of the doom and gloom in this world, but I also need to know what’s going on, so I will still follow the news, but at my leisure. I also plan to reinvigorate video game playing, taking photographs, writing here, and reading in place of the social media. I spend a extensive amount of time scrolling through bull shit, like animals dancing and people arguing, on my phone when I could be growing my brain in other ways.

In January, I also plan to start running a mile a day, which my brother and I did quite successfully a few years ago, and which I think helps me focus on getting outside even when I don’t want to. My goal is to reach 20,000 steps a day between running and walking. For me 20,000 steps is about 7.5 to 8 miles. Currently, I average about 10,000 steps, but I am not making any kind of conscious effort to get there, so I think with some effort, I can make it to 20,000. I love being outside, and I do love moving my body, but since the depression got worse and I’ve relegated myself to my couch, probably making the depression even worse, I am stuck in that mode, rather than being my typical outdoorsy self.

In January, I want to start some new traditions, too, like regular silent retreats, weekly “community” meals, meaningful meditation, and going to church more regularly. I don’t know. I just need a change. Again.

Maybe now I can break free?

Hope

Posted on 29 December 2024 | Leave a comment

As the calendar year comes to an end and people look back into the past to see what they’ve accomplished and look forward into the near future to set goals, I look back and see that what I accomplished is that I am here. I am still in this mortal coil, still moving forward day by day, and still working to experience joy and, on most days, happiness. For me, simply being here is a huge accomplishment. As I look forward to the new year and as I try to set goals, my only real goal, as always, is to have hope that this year will be better than the last.

In “You Belong to the World,” the first poem in the collection You Are Here: Poetry in the Natural World edited by Ada Limón, the poet Carrie Fountain states, “You belong/ to the world, animal. Deal with it.” If you’ve read this blog for a long time, you know I’ve wrestled with vegetarianism, veganism, paleo eating, omnivorous eating, and a variety of other ways to sustain myself. I do believe that eating vegan is the best choice for us and this world, and vegetarianism is a close second, but I also know that as I age I need more protein than what I can stomach on a vegan diet. Notice, I did not say than what can be attained on a vegan diet, but more than I can ingest. I cannot eat that many lentils. I don’t even like most beans. So, I am choosing instead to eat mindfully, in moderation, all of the things I love, because while I want happiness for the animals, I, too, am an animal and desire happiness and longevity. Maybe one day, again, I will be vegan.

About being an animal and belonging to this world and dealing with it. Again, if you’ve read this blog for longer than a minute, you know I am heavily invested in theology, and so much theology is about what will happen then. Then, as in, when we die. While I have never been thoroughly invested in an “I’m living well now, so I can get to heaven” theology, I have been, since I was very young, invested in a “how do I live my theology, or how do I live like Jesus and Buddha, here on this earth in this year in this specific moment” theology—this was not so popular in seminary, as I was always asking why people were good with the hopes of a future reward, rather than being good because those good works flowed from their beliefs and were a natural consequence of our faith in Jesus—but, I digress. The idea of being an animal who belongs to this earth, so deal with it, seems much in line with my way of theological thinking. We are animals who belong, for up to 100 or so years, to this earth, while simultaneously we are souls who belong infinitely to another realm, string, or timeline—I have yet to parse this out exactly—and while we are here, we belong not only to ourselves, but to the world and those other creatures who inhabit it. In Genesis, humans are given the role of caretakers of the other animals on this planet—so what? it’s a metaphor, mythology, or allegory; we learn from those all of the time. We are not separate from nature, but we are part of it; in fact, we’re the ones who are supposed to make sure the plants and the animals—every last living thing— stay safe and well, so we can all be fruitful and multiply. There’s a reason that all of nature—a hike, a swim, lying in the grass, watching the clouds, feeling the rain— feels so fucking good to us. We belong to it, animals, so deal with it.

How, you may ask, does that effect how I plan to live out my goals this year? Fountain writes, “Even as/ the great abstractions come to take you away,/ the regrets, the distractions, you can at any second/ come back to the world to which you belong,/ the world you never left, won’t ever leave, cells/ forever, forever going through their changes, [. . .].” I hope to come back to this world. I hope to be sober and present in each moment in which I live. I hope to love every thing and every one in that moment. I hope to be vulnerable by sharing the best, and worst, parts of who I am and to allow myself to be shaped for good by those who love me. I hope to move a lot and consume moderately and read some and write some in mindfulness. I hope to honor who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. I hope.

Cracker Barrel; Red One; Goals

Posted on 29 November 2024 | Leave a comment

Yesterday for Thanksgiving dinner, my Dad, my brother, and I went to Cracker Barrel and then went to the movie theater to watch Red One. My mom was the one who was the most invested in our holiday feasting, so when she passed a few years ago, our holiday meals changed substantially, and I continued going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving for the most part, so I could spend Christmas here in Indiana with Dad and Adam. The first Christmas after she died, Dad wanted Chinese buffet, so we went to Yummy Grill and Buffet and ate crab rangoon and bad lo mein until we were too full of cream cheese, fake crab, and noodles to worry about the fact that Mom had died twelve days before. We added in a movie because what else do you do when the person who carries the joy is gone.

Red One was really a great holiday flick. I won’t spoil the details of the movie for you, but my mom would have loved its Christmas cheesiness, and a couple of times I got really choked up thinking about how she would have been cheering and yelling at the screen like several of our fellow movie goers. Mom was one of those people who clapped at the end of movies, like the actors on screen could hear her. She also loudly gave instructions to the characters about how they could thwart danger or how they could save the day. I like to think she loves the fact that we all go together to movies more now, since I have learned to tolerate the loudness and flashingness of them. I wish I’d have accomplished that while she was still alive, because I am sure she would’ve loved another movie going partner. I take her with me now, though, so I guess we grow in weird ways in weird timing.

I love Cracker Barrel. I know that isn’t a popular opinion, but their chicken and dumplings, when they are on point, are one of things my little carbohydrate-loving heart craves the most. The dumplings are sticky and thick, the broth is rich and with a little pepper is perfect, and the chicken is tender and moist. The sides are a bit underwhelming, but when I can get mashed sweet potatoes and fried okra without having to figure out what to do with the leftovers, I will take them a little less good than I can make at home. Yesterday, for their special menu, and probably until Christmas, they have Sugar Plum Sweet Tea, which is maybe one of the best drinks I’ve had at casual dining, though it was even a bit sweet for me.

I was amazed by how many people were both at Cracker Barrel and the movie theater, but I also loved that so many people were with their families. There were so many big tables seated at CB that I had to smile and think about all of the love in that place. People were smiling, talking with each other, laughing, and generally enjoying each other’s company in a way that I don’t see as much I would like. At the theater, people were being polite, sharing popcorn, chatting with their family and friends. Some days I get a glimpse into what I love about this world. And I needed that yesterday. I need it every day. But I especially needed it yesterday.

For Christmas, we’re going to try our hand at making an indigenous feast with foods found native in Indiana. We’re starting with deer steaks that Dad was gifted by a neighbor and building from there. Suggestions are always welcome, but the ingredients must be decolonized and indigenous to the Midwest, preferably to Indiana.

I know my last post was a bit dark. I am trying really hard to figure out how to stay out of that space in my brain, but I have been feeling really overwhelmed since August. “Brian,” my brain when he misbehaves, has been working on overtime mayhem lately, but I have finally caught up on all of my school work, so I think it may be better now. As an ennagram 4w5 (might as well just call myself a 4/5), sometimes I see bits of joy or hope, but I am a little afraid to get too excited about them, or to seize them, because, well, surely sadness will just follow, right? I am working on that too. I want to be hopeful and joyful in a new way in my life. Since the new year starts, in my way of thinking and according to the church calendar, on this coming Sunday with the First Sunday of Advent, I figured why not just put my goals or aspirations or hopes for 2025 out here today; some of them are carry over from 2024, because I didn’t do so well accomplishing them.

Love more. Give and receive more hugs. Tell people, “I love you.”
Be more honest and vulnerable, and trust people to love me. Set better boundaries, tell people when they hurt me, hear them when they tell me I hurt them. Listen to people and believe what they tell me.
Move more. Swim. Bike. Walk. Run. Hike. Dance. Wobble. Play with Luna.
Read and write more. Read the Bible, books, newspapers, magazines. Write about things: gratitude, anger, grief, frustration, hopes, dreams, joy, memories, visions. Start a rage and hope journal.
Practice moderation in consumption. Eat in moderation. Buy in moderation. Use technology in moderation.
Be sober and be present.

December 1, 2019: First Sunday of Advent

Posted on 1 December 2019 | 2 comments

Here are my Goals for 2020. You’ll notice they look surprisingly similar to the ones for 2019, partially because I did not reach all of my goals for 2019, because I’ve finally reached a balance between challenging and attainable, so I think I’ll just roll with that for another year.

1. Swim, bike, walk, or run every single day. Finish the Indy Mini on May 2, 2020
2. Read at least one book each month. Write at least a little every Sunday.
3. Meditate for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening.
4. Practice silence and work on listening, with intention.
5. Eat mostly real plant-based food. Consume campassionately.
6. Create more, conserve more, buy less.

Live joyfully and feed my soul.

Swim, Bike, Walk or Run Every Day

My brother and I signed up to do the Indy Mini this year, and we signed up for the shorter races leading up to it, so we’d know for sure that we can finish the 13.1 miles on Indy Mini Race Day. If you don’t know what the Indy Mini is, it is a half marathon that is part of the Indy 500 Festival, and you can learn more about it here. The commitment to do 13.1 in May, jumpstarted my already running self into a Holiday Run Streak that goes from today, the first Sunday of Advent until January 6, or Epiphany.

That’s 37 days of running at least one mile each day, and I started this morning by running around my friends’ neighborhood, which I have to say is quite a nice little spot to live. What will be fun and challenging about this Run Streak is that my 20-week training plan for the Indy Mini starts on December 16, so there will no doubt be some sore legs and a lot of walking/running intervals, until I get my running legs back under me.

My goals are simply to finish without being scooped up by the sweeper bus, to spend as much time with my brother as I can before I go back to Minnesota in June, and to have the most fun I have ever had running that far!

Reading (and Writing)

So far this year, I have read 6 books—probably more, but I did not write them down in my logs, so I guess in my mind they don’t count—so this is a goal that needs some attention next year. Considering that if I put my mind to it, I can read most books in less than a day, this seems like a really low number for a goal, but with teaching and trying to balance my life, I guess I just do not read as much as I used to. I am absolutely open to suggestions for reading.

I should probably make my goal for this coming year a writing one, since I feel like I miss it so much, but I have not done it for so long, that it feels weird even writing this. I guess practice makes me better, so maybe I should commit to writing here every Sunday. From January 5, 2020 – December 27, 2020.

Meditation: Silence and Listening

This goal, which is really two combined, is one that needs quite a bit of attention. Basically, I just need to do it. I need this goal more than any other one, and yet it is the one that gets neglected the quickest.

Eat Vegan Whole Foods

I am proud to say that this goal is going along perfectly. Since October 4, 2019, I haven’t eaten any meat, and I have been working my way into being completely plant-based by December 31. Since I live with my brother, we’re doing this one together (along with eating a lot less sugar), and we’ve already seen some excellent health benefits from it.

One of my favorite meals is pizza, and I always get sad thinking that I will miss pizza when I am vegan. Luckily I found an excellent vegan pizza crust mix, for when I don’t make my own from scratch, and I am enjoying using fresh vegetables and cheese replacements to make big, delicious homemade pizzas that are way better tasting, and way better for me, than store-bought pizza!

Last night I had one of the most beautiful pizzas I have made: big brown mushrooms, little rings of yellow, red, and orange peppers, bright green spinach, and giant tomato chunks with just a bit of Daiya cheddar shreds. Not only was it beautiful, but without all of the cheese, the delicious flavor of all of the vegetables came through.

Create More, Conserve More, Buy Less

I am really getting into being conservative with my spending, which is saying a lot if you know me and know how I love to spend money, because what is it but green pieces of paper. Anyway, I have kept my spending for gas (we have a 2 hour total commute each day), groceries, and entertainment to less than what I budgeted for three months in a row!

I am trying to purchase things that are necessary (do I really need that item?), that nothing I already have will serve the same function (will the things I already have work to do that job?), that I can’t do on my own (sorry Starbucks, but I brew my coffee in my classroom now), and that really bring me some kind of joy in my life (do I need another mug because it has a funny saying on it?). I’ve also gotten into fixing things, instead of just buying new.

My ultimate goal: Live JOYFULLY and feed my SOUL.

This is my ultimate goal, because I know that if I am not searching for joy and nourishment in my life, I am not happy, nor can I help anyone else seek for joy or nourishment. Now, I will be really honest, because of the way I am wired, seeking joy is really difficult for me. I am much the realist, and never really an optimist, but I know that joy and gratitude are the keys to living a long and memorable life, so I keep trying to regroup and see if I can help others.

My brother helps with this: he always sees the good side of things, and he always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be more like him, and I try, but it is really hard to always assume positive intent, think things will turn out okay, to understand that everything happens for a reason, and to make the best of every situation. I will get there, though.

They say if you keep reframing events in the ways in which you can be grateful for them, that you’ll eventually do it automatically. I do not know who they are, but they have to be right, right?

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Posted in Advent, Buddhism, Capitalism, Christianity, Christmas, Coffee, Diet, Eating, Fitness, Food, Gleaning, Goals, Grace, Health, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, New Year, Running, School, Spirituality, Sunday, Swimming, Teacher, Teaching, Trail Running, Vegan, Walking, Wellness, Workout, Writer, Writing

Tagged Advent, Goals, half marathon, holiday run streak, pizza, plant-based, Vegan

Happy New Year 2015

Posted on 2 January 2015 | 2 comments

Well, here it is, the time of year in which we’re supposed to look back with a regretful or chastising eye and then look forward with a hopeful or change-oriented one. For me, that’s every day, so this socially constructed mindfulness, reflection, personal analysis seems a bit felt up. I’m not being judgmental toward others who find this act refreshing; I’m simply saying that the way most people feel right now, looking back and looking forward, is pretty much how I live my life. I do enjoy the way the new year brings us all together into the same thoughtful consideration of what we’d like to change about ourselves. I love reading the goals that other people post, and I love hearing how people want to make the world better, starting with themselves. And I do love to participate in goal setting or resolution making. It’s an act of hope, like thinking that one day things will be better. So here’s to 2015, which will be better than 2014!

Social Media: As of January 5, I plan to remove myself from social media. No more Facebook, no more Twitter, no more Instagram. For one year. Instead of these venues, I plan to call people, have real email conversations, and engage in face-to-face interactions with those people I love (or those who I will get to know). My interactions on Facebook, with the exception of some, simply serve to make me angry, jealous, bitter, ungracious, or otherwise not kind, compassionate, loving, friendly, or like someone I’d want to be around. If you know me, you can feel free to email, call, or text.
Blogging: In lieu of social media, I am starting a creative project in which I write letters to people from throughout my life. Some letters will be anonymous, some addressed to the intended recipient, but all will be as close to the “truth” as I can get. I’ll house those posts at Grace and Shame, Letters, which is also linked on the right hand side of this blog. I doubt many folks will read the letters, because I won’t have them posting to Facebook or Twitter, but I hope to simply get improve my writing, post some hilarious and heartbreaking stories from my life (people are always telling me I have lots of stories), and maybe connect to some people through things that we have in common. I plan to allow myself an hour a day for writing, starting on January 5 for a total of 360 letters by year-end.
Athletic Pursuits: This year I plan to work out five times a week, doing a variety of running, swimming, biking, and weight lifting. I have mapped out all of January, and I’ve been running and swimming a mile each day, so I think I’m on a good track there. I have two big goals for this calendar year: Muncie 70.3 (finish in 7 hours) and Big Shoulders 5K (finish in 2 hours). That’s it. Other than a couple of fun 5Ks, I have no other goals, except possibly a fall marathon, which entirely depends on my recovery from the 70.3. You can follow my Muncie 70.3 training by clicking above on Ironquest, which is where I will also begin posting my Ironman Wisconsin training after July.
Food for Thought: I am going to eat what I want, when I am hungry. I will focus on eating whole foods and lean toward paleo/primal, but I’m not going to pass up some delicious crusty bread, Chunky Monkey ice cream, or M&Ms, if one of them is offered to me. I’m also checking one macro in my diet, protein, just to make sure I am getting enough to fuel my athletics. I do hope to lose some weight this year, so I’m going to be cautious, but not overly regimented about what I eat.
Drinking: There will be only water, tea, coffee, and fruit juice. Mostly water (a gallon a day if possible, I hear it’s all the rage) and coffee (because I need it to cope). I am abstaining from alcohol, except for the fourth annual Burris Pub Crawl, for the entire year. On a somewhat related note, smoking is out too.
Spirituality: Part of writing, for me, is thinking theologically. The hour of writing will include a bit of time for meditation, scripture reading, and prayer.
Hairy Topics: A seemingly trivial and ridiculous goal is to let my hair grow. My long-term goal is Ironman Wisconsin in 2016, and if I let my hair grow from now until then, I’ll have enough to donate to Locks of Love again. Human hair grows about half an inch a month, so by September of 2016, I should have around ten inches of hair to pull back into a pony tail and shave off. I say this seems like a ridiculous goal, because what kind of a person can’t let her hair grow? Once my hair gets to a certain length, I have a terrible time leaving it on my head. I’ve been mostly bald for the better part of eight years, I’d say, and hair just seems extraneous. However, I do understand how very important hair is to those who have lost it. And, I say this in all humility, I do have pretty awesome hair.

Well, Happy New Year from me to you. I love you all. I do hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Tagged 70.3, abstinence, alcohol, Beer, blog, blogger, blogging, Cider, Diet, Eating, epistles, facebook, Food, Goals, hair, half ironman, Hard Cider, Instagram, letters, locks of love, relationships, resolutions, Spirituality, Triathlon, twitter, Writing