The Real New Year; Epiphany

Posted on 6 January 2016 | Leave a comment

Generally, I mark my time through the Christian calendar, starting my year at Advent and progressing through the days in celebration, mourning, centemplation, or whatever mood the the liturgical calendar calls for, or at least I am cognizant of the expected mood of the season.

This year, the first Sunday of Advent came with me doing exactly what I’d been doing all year long, so it didn’t feel much like a New Year celebration to me.  Thanks, Retail.

Then New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day came along, and I still didn’t feel that rejuventaing new-year feeling that I love, because it signals a new beginning where I get to shed my old, dry skin and grow a new, pliable, vulnerable skin for the clean new-year slate ahead of me.

This year, I guess, I was holding out for Epiphany, the holiday we celebrate in most Western churches as the day when the Wisemen appear bearing gifts for the baby Jesus (though most Biblical historians agree that the baby Jesus was already two-ish by the time they found him).

But more specifically, I was holding out for Epiphany, because I celebrate a more Eastern Christian understanding of this day, as the day when Jesus began his adult ministry by being baptized at the hands of John the Baptist. I need this yearly reminder that I am, in fact, the Church no matter where I go; I am a priest at all times with my words, and more importantly with my actions.

Maybe this year I was holding out for the sky to rupture and for me to feel like I was God’s beloved child in whom [They] are well pleased.

As I was running today, with my lungs burning with ashthmatic wheezes and my eyes watering against the cold, dry air, I was reminded, yet again, that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was reminded that I asked for this, for time away from teaching, for time to rediscover the things I love, for time to get back to well.

And I am getting there. I have fewer bouts with depression, and they are shorter and further apart, so I can recover from them in a healthy way, instead of just sweeping them under the carpet, like I did for too long.

In this regard, my New Year this year, 2016, starts today, January 6, on Epiphany, while I celebrate the beginning of new year of ministry, a new year of peace, grace, love, and joy, and a new year of being well. It’s only fitting that I spend a bit of time considering those goals I set for myself before the new year rolled around. It’s been a month, so here’s a fair judgment of how I”ve been doing with this.

Veganism- passable, still needs some work, but things are going fairly well
Volunteerism- this one will have to be put on a back burner for a bit, at least until we sell our house, because I’m picking up some extra hours at Caribou to help make ends meet
Prayer and meditation- passable, still needs some work, and I’ve been able to work in some meditation while running, but I still need more focus on quiet time
Exercise- passable, but I need to be more consistent, so I can make my two big goals for this year
Alcohol and caffiene- passable, the caffiene is really easy to give up, but the alcohol is a bit harder, because I find it really nice to have a beer with dinner, so I guess I should get used to having kool-aid with dinner instead

Do good.

Do no harm.

Stay in love with God.

Practice peace, grace, love, and joy.

 

 

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Posted in Abstinence, Christianity, Fat Runner, Goals, Health, Wellness

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Today: Getting Over Me

Posted on 30 December 2015 | 1 comment

I am 41 years old.

I have been working since I was 15 years old in a variety of retail, food service, and educational jobs. My first job was working as a children’s librarian. At 15, my hometown library trusted me to manage evenings alone in the children’s section of the library and to help shape the lives of children who spent their time with me, reading books.

I graduated high school in the top 10% of my class. I have a bachelor’s degree (education), two master’s degrees (theology and literature), and an abruptly aborted attempt at a PhD (American literature), but I passed my comps, technically making me ABD. I never had a GPA lower than a 3.4.

I have taught every grade, except kindergarten, fourth, fifth, and sixth grades. I was responsible for helping to educate preservice teachers. I taught college classes for fuck’s sake.

Now. Today. In this life. I am in an entry level position, but I work for an amazing company (I would argue one of the best).  I wouldn’t give away my career for anything.

I struggle today with this: one of my favorite coworkers who has the same job title that I have now is an 18-year-old recent high school graduate.

I struggle today with this: why did I waste 25 years of my life with higher education to find myself here?

Today I’m finding it difficult to deal with this.

Today I am having a hard time making sense of how this is fair.

Today I am feeling duped by the American Dream.

I followed all the rules in the educational and vocational sectors of our culture. And each time I have to start over. At the bottom. In the entryway. Even out on the doorstep, if you will.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my job. I love my life. I love my coworkers.

Why can’t I just be happy here? Why can’t I just let this feeling rest?

Because I can’t reconcile who I am with what I’ve been socialized to think I deserve, or what I have been socialized to think is owed to me, because I did it “right.”

I am perfectly happy on most days with who I have become and who I am becoming. I am perfectly content most days to be joyful and blessed that I am loved, respected, challenged, and fulfilled by my work.

But today. Today I struggle with being 41 years old. And being here.

*

And I think what bothers me the most in all of this is my ongoing struggle with entitlement. I know I am blessed to have all I have. I know I am privileged in so many ways. I know I sound whiny and ungrateful, when I am so grateful for so many people, experiences, and opportunities. I know I just need grace. Grace. More grace.

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2016: Dream Casting and Goal Setting

Posted on 5 December 2015 | Leave a comment

Every year at this time I start thinking about how I can make the world a better place in the coming year. I reflect on the last year, both my accomplishments and shortcomings, and I envision the coming year and the possibilities it holds. For 2016, I am dream casting and goal setting in similar, but more realistic ways.

My biggest goal is to become an Expert at Apple and to help my store continue to be the best with an eye toward becoming better. This goal is certainly attainable, and I feel as if I am well on way toward it. I know what my strengths are, and I’ve named for myself a few areas of opportunity. I’ve begun working on those areas with the help and support of my colleageus, and I am confident that some time within the year, I’ll attain this goal.

I have five other goals that I will be focusing on for this year. Seeing as how I overshot my goals last year and fulfilled a grand total of none of them, I’m being a bit more realistic this year. And, quite frankly, some of my goals are the same as last year, because they are things I really need to do in my life, but I didn’t succeed at last year.

Goal: I will be vegan in my own kitchen this year. For my friends’ convenience, I am going to simply be vegetarian when it comes to going to other folk’s houses or out for dinner. I continue to desire to leave a less violent footprint on our world, and I continue to be pro-life in all regards. One way I can live out a peaceful and life-fostering ethic is to minimize my consumption of animal products. If you want to know more about why I am chosing this lifestyle, here’s a well-written article about ethical veganism.

Goal: I will volunteer one day a week. Going along with the focus on life and peace, I have requested to switch my availability at Apple to have Thursdays off, so I can volunteer at 360 Communties after I work at Caribou. I filled out my application for volunteerism on their website yesterday, and now I am just waiting to hear back from them about where they can use me, or whether they can use me at all given my limited availability. I plan to participate in some other volunteering opportunities with my colleagues from Apple, and I’ll still raise money for other causes like Polar Plunging for the Special Olympics and dedicating some of my bigger sports events I’ll be participating in to causes like St. Jude’s Children’s Hospitals or Mile in My Shoes.

Goal: I will to continue with prayer and meditation as an integral part of my spiritual life. These two practices center me and enable me to practice peace, grace, and love in a way that I can’t do without slowing down my brain to focus on my breathing or to focus on God. By doing either of these practices, I am allowed the time I need to be away from this world, transported to another place where I can just be.

Goal: I will exercise my body. I have two main goals in regards to this goal: Big Shoulders 5K Open Water Swim (September) and Afton 50K Trail Run (July). I enjoy swimming, biking, and running, and I’ve previously killed that joy by making an unattainable goal for myself of exercising every day or of trying to get in my two or three workouts of each type each week. This year my goal is simply to keep the joy in moving my body. I want to do each sport enough to be in shape, and I want to pepper my weeks with hiking with my love. I don’t want training to become a chore. Incidentally, my far-reaching goal is to finish Ironman Wisconsin in 2017.

Goal: I will abstain from alcohol and caffeine. This will perhaps be my most difficult goal. I’ve (nearly) succussfully abstained from alcohol and caffeine since October 10, drinking caffeine three times and having a couple of beers in that time. Those beers showed me, though, and I ended up hives both times. I am attempting this abstinence for no other reason than both alcohol and caffeine are powerful drugs. I’ve noticed in the time that I’ve been abstaining from them that my moods are more even, and that my sleep isn’t nearly as messed up. I can get on board with all of that.

Finally, though I don’t consider it a measurable goal, I want 2016 to be the year I live with grace, peace, love, joy, and kindness in all situations, in all ways. This year I will be more Christian, and more specifically more Wesleyan.

John Wesley said that Christianity could be boiled down to three simple rules:

  1. Do no harm.
  2. Do good.
  3. Stay in love with God.

 

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Posted in Abstinence, Christianity, Cooking, Cycling, Ethics, Fat, Fat Runner, Fitness, Food, Goals, Grace, Health, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, Prayer, Running, Spirituality, Swimming, Trail Running, Triathlon, Vegetarian or Vegan, Walking, Wellness, Workout

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Why Practice Abstinence?

Posted on 20 October 2015 | Leave a comment

I’ve read a bajillion Internet posts about how much better people feel when they give up alcohol and/or caffeine.

You can read here about Gretchen Rubin, the woman who wrote The Happiness Project, a book I read with quite a suspicious eye, and her reasons for quitting drinking. I had quite a difficult time relating to much of what she said, because I kept feeling like anyone could be happy if they had all day to hang out and write and do things to make themselves happy, instead of working 40+ hours a week outside the home, like so many of us do. I mean, I’d be happy if I could just eat, swim, trail run, write, and do art. Any agents out there willing to negotiate a contract for a fat athlete who just wants to athlete and write about it? I promise, I’ll make it a good read.

You can read here about how long it might take for you to return to “normal” after quitting drinking.

You can read here about a year-long fast from alcohol and the effects it had on the writer.

In fact, if you google “a year without alcohol,” you can read a countless number of people’s quests to live a year or more without drinking any form of alcohol. Similarly, if you google “a year without caffeine,” you can find a significant number of stories about how people exist without coffee.

After spending a bit of time googling and skimming other folks’ quests of this nature, I decided to try my own little experiment. Since October 10, I’ve not had any alcohol or caffeine, and I plan to continue this fast or abstinence at least until I go back to Indiana in January, so October 10-January 16, when I will run my favorite night time trail run. What is that? About three months?

After nine days, do I feel better? I wouldn’t say that I notice a significant difference in my body. I don’t feel necessarily peppier, or necessarily groggier. I don’t notice a difference in my habits in the morning, since I replaced coffee with a caffeine-free herbal infusion by Tiesta. In the evening, however, I have to say it’s a bit disconcerting to not have a beer with dinner or to wind down when I come home from work.

I’ve spent some time in the past year shedding some of my bigger addictions, and I feel much better for it. It’s amazing how quickly things that seem innocuous when we initially begin them can become such controlling and overwhelming forces in our lives, how they can begin to color everything we do, and how we eventually let them control how we interact with people and how we think of ourselves.

Though I wouldn’t call alcohol or caffeine, in and of themselves, addictions for me, I will say that I think I rely on them too much, so a few months without will do me well. As of now, I’m looking forward to a life of clean eating, exercise, and an eventual Ironman finish. Today, I can say I am back on track.

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Posted in Abstinence, Addiction, Beer, Cider, Coffee, Fat Runner, Fitness, Goals, Grace, Health, Joy, Mental Health, Spirituality, Trail Running, Triathlon, Vegetarian or Vegan, Wellness, Writer

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Now All I Need is Gum Stuck in My Hair

Posted on 12 October 2015 | Leave a comment

I had a dentist appointment at 8AM. After the three fillings were completed, I learned that my insurance would cover only 50% of my bill instead of the 80% I had previously thought.

I went for a run this morning on my favorite trail. As I was driving to work with ragingly itchy hives all over my entire body, I remembered I didn’t take my allergic medicine yesterday or today.

I got to work at 12:05, twenty-five minutes early. When I clocked in at 12:21, I realized I was actually 21 minutes late, because I misread my schedule.

My first customer was a person who wanted an unlocked phone. It turned into a ten-minute interaction in which the customer proceeded to tell me that a sibling knew more than I did.

I had an excellent lunch of sweet potato chili and a cheese sandwich. After lunch, I went to the bathroom and my button popped off my pants, which I had to fasten with first aid tape because there weren’t any safety pins anywhere.

And now that I am home, I “had to wear my railroad train pajamas. I hate my railroad train pajamas. ” (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)

Really, I am wearing my Packers t-shirt, which makes the day sort of better. And I don’t want to move to Australia. I like it just fine here in Minnesota.

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Posted in Bad Day, Literature

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