Category Archives: Fat

Freakishly Cold

Posted on 16 January 2009 | 3 comments

I went to Irving Gym yesterday for a cross-training day. I rode the bike. I rode for half an hour on the most uncomfortable stationary exercise bike I have ever met. I generally ride a mountain bike, so the bike I rode was the touring bike from hell. Riding it was like riding to Florida on a unicycle with no seat. It was bad. Like this:

Not only was it uncomfortable, but it was fucking boring! Riding in one place for half an hour watching at the same muscle-bound frat boys lift weights incorrectly is not high on my list of “Top Ten Things to Do Before I Die”—right up there with watching skinny little girls reading fashion magazines, barely pedaling with their bikes set on a tension of two, and flirting with the frat boys.

Apparently, to watch yourself in the mirror while doing inclined sit-ups holding a medicine ball is the new wave of exercise coolness. I might make it into a game of peek-a-boo. (Up, look in the mirror:  I see you. Down, look serious and cool: Where’s Corby?) I am sure abdominal work like that would make me sea-sick. I would need a dimenhydrinate drip to make it through the workout.

There is a whole psychology to the gym. One that fucks me up a little every time I go there.

Possibly, I need a thorazine drip after leaving the gym.

I absolutely despise exercising indoors, unless I am swimming. Then I like being indoors, unless I can be in the ocean. I hate that I don’t have to work hard at all to break a sweat while riding the stationery bike or walking on a treadmill. Yesterday, I rode the hell out of that little stationary bike. I only got seven miles, a t-shirt neck sweat-ring the size of China, a further damaged hymen, and the inside track on undergraduate mating rituals.

The sad part of all of this is that it looks like I will get to go to the gym again today, since it is 10 below zero right now. At least the sun is shining. Maybe I will wait until this afternoon and attempt to jog outside. In the sun. By the river. n20722047_35977626_1544

3 Comments

Posted in Fat, Gym, Running, Winter Weather

Ice: My Kryptonite

Posted on 10 January 2009 | 2 comments

I got up this morning ready to go. I had put my shoes, sweatpants, watch, headband, and new Smartwool running socks (I recommend these heartily by the way) next to the bed. My plan was to get up, get dressed, walk the dogs, take my first “long run” of three miles. I call it a long run because that is what the plan calls it. Three miles in my mind is not a long run.

I got up, got dressed, and came down stairs only to find a layer of ice covering the entire world. If you know me, you know I cannot walk on ice so there is no way I could run on it. For those of you who say that running on ice is easier than walking, I am in agreement. I have tried that, and while it is easier, it is still not beneficial nor elegant. I slide just as easily moving faster.

I am hoping that it will warm up enough for some of the ice to melt, so that I can go out this afternoon. I thought about going to Ball Gym to use the track, and I thought about using an eliptical or treadmill at Irving, but there is something incredibly unsatisfactory about the jogging experience when it is done indoors. I feel like a hamster.

Until then, here I sit: typing instead of jogging. I have spent the last half-hour surfing the Net, checking up on old friends, and Stumbling through a couple of websites.

Last night, I spent almost half and hour looking for some new running shoes. I want a website that is a collective of fat runners doing shoe reviews. I usually prefer Asics because they seem to have better support and a stronger, longer-lasting upper. Last spring, when I first started jogging again, I went to Indianapolis to a specialty running store to have my gait analyzed and to find “the perfect shoe” for my foot.

I hate the shoes I bought. Over a hundred dollars for a pair of Brooks GTS 8s. They do support well for the slight pronation I have, but the sole and the padding that prohibit the turning of my ankles makes the ball of my foot slide to the outside of the toe box.

They only have about six months or about 360 miles of walking/jogging and they are already shredded. They are in worse shape than the pair of Asics TN 724s I bought them to replace. And, I reiterate that they are NOT comfortable.

For the first month or so, they were heavenly. The workers at the Indy Running Company were right about that part, but they are not made for a heavy runner. My friend Sarah wears them. They are her favorite shoes. She probably weighs a hundred pounds wet—half my weight! She can have them. I will take my Asics.

fat-girl-running-fh-outlineAll this brings me around to my point: can someone start a Clydesdale or Athena website that is helpful to those of us who are a little larger but still like the feel of a good jog? There are plenty of blogs, personal webpages, and the like, but you would think some company like Asics or New Balance or Saucony would create a webpage for their fat clientel. Every fat runner I know wears one of the three above types of shoes. I’m just saying they could make a fortune!

2 Comments

Posted in Fat, Just for Fun, Running, Winter Weather, Writing

Shrinky-Dinks, Strawberry Shortcake, and ’55 Chevy Trucks

Posted on 7 January 2009 | 6 comments

Sometimes I wish I could be a shrinky-dink. Do you remember those pieces of plastic that we so painstakingly colored, put in the oven, and then spent the next 1 to 3 minutes praying for the damned thing not to curl up on itself? I mean I would love to shrink to twenty percent of my size and have for my only worry the desire not to curl up on myself.

Who was your favorite shrinky-dink? I think mine was Smurfette. I don’t really go for blondes as a rule. Generally, I prefer red heads like Strawberry Shortcake, but Smurfette was an exception. I think I loved her because she was the only woman in the village and had to put up with all those guys. I fantasized about her running away with Papa Smurf and leaving it all behind. Brainy would try to calculate a way to get her back. Vanity would stand there looking at himself in the mirror. Jokey would plant a bomb in their wedding present. Hefty would mis-build their house. But Smurfette would laugh and run her fingers through Papa’s beard. He would smile and they would open a bottle of champagne in celebration.smurfs_shrinky_dinks_unshrunk_pieces

If my favorite wasn’t Smurfette, it was Strawberry Shortcake. I think this is more accurate. I would have given anything to know someone like Strawberry Shortcake when I was little. There was a girl I knew in high school who we called Strawberry, but that was entirely different. That story should be saved for its own entry. With a parental advisory.

Anyway, they have changed Strawberry Shortcake and her friends—not for the better. All their names are different, representing more healthy lifestyle choices, and they took away Plum Pudding. Why? My opinion: Plum Pudding was smart, loved cats and owls, and was possibly a little queer (Plum Pudding started out as a boy!).

I fantasized about her running away with Strawberry Shortcake. I think they would listen to Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car or the Indigo Girls’ Power of Two as they drove away sitting close to each other in a 1955 Chevy Truck.55chevytruck2They would head down Route 66 to Los Angeles without looking back. They would wander up and down Venice Beach looking for shells. Maybe they would sleep on the beach or in the back of their truck in the parking lot under the Jim Morrison painted on the side of that building. Either way, Huckleberry Pie wasn’t part of the plan:

Now the parking lot is empty
Everyone’s gone someplace
I pick you up and in the trunk I’ve packed
A cooler and a two-day suitcase
Cause there’s a place we like to drive
Way out in the country
Five miles out of the city limit we’re singing
And your hand’s upon my knee…

6 Comments

Posted in Fat, Just for Fun, Queer

A New Year: Starting Now

Posted on 5 January 2009 | 1 comment

Most people I have talked to chose to start their New Year’s resolutions today.

Better diet? Begin on Monday. Although, I have heard statistically that Tuesday and Wednesday are the best days to start  new lifestyle trends. We seem to stick to them more if we don’t start them when we start our week. Maybe our minds trick our bodies into submission. Maybe our bodies think that we are serious if we start in the middle of the week.

More exercise? Start today. The training plans for the Indy-Mini even begin today. With a day of rest. What type of training plan begins with a day of rest? I suppose since that is my resolution, I should do what it says. I don’t mind a day of rest. I am taking today as a day of rest to get the plan and my classes entered into my calendar for the semester. I am moving the plan around so that Sunday is my long-run day. I just come home from church and take a nap anyway. Why shouldn’t I use that time to run instead?

Read the bible? Apparently, reading the bible is a pretty popular New Year’s resolution, too. I have at least three bibles that have “Read Through the Bible in a Year” plans in them, and they all begin on January first with Genesis 1:1: “When God began to create heaven and earth…” And, they all end on December 31 with Revalation 22:21: “The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” I suppose people think what a better way to spend a year than reading the bible from cover to cover.

Some resolutions are so common that you can find lists of the top ten that Americans make each year. Amazon even has their own list, complete with items to purchase to help people achieve those goals. Amazingly, their list includes items for sale under the category: Get your finances in order. The humor in this, I think, is self-explanatory.  The lists seem to jive with the resolutions I hear my friends making. I still wonder why we find it necessary to make the same resolutions year after year. I do it, too. I am not finger pointing.

Today, I am looking at spending the day reading essays and rating them based on their creativity, whatever that means. I am going to have coffee with a friend. I am going to enter my life for the semester into an electronic application called iCal. And, I am going to rest because that is what the plan says to do. I am resting.

1 Comment

Posted in Fat, Just for Fun, New Year, Personal, Reading, Religion, Running, Writing

First Day on My New Feet

Posted on 27 December 2008 | 1 comment

Back in November sometime, I had this weird illness that we think was mono. I had a sore throat, my mouth had lesions inside it, and my tonsils were nearly touching each other.Whatever illness it was made me so sleepy I could’ve slept for ten to twelve hours a night. I didn’t have time to sleep that much, so I stopped running to conserve energy. Running just wore me out beyond belief.

Today was the first run I have been on since I got sick. I figured out that after taking a month off when you are just getting into shape to start with, I need to essentially start over with my training. I am square one. Can I share with you how much that pisses me off? Well, Rick, I’m pissed off, as Cartman would say.

I have also gained weight since then. I think I have put back on what I lost over the summer. And, yes, that pisses me off as well. I know a good fat studies scholar would not be pissed off about gaining back a mere twenty pounds, but I am no such scholar. I can see what is wrong with our cultural constructions of body size, but I know what feels right on my body, which is hovering around 200 NOT 220.

I also know that hovering lower than that feels even better, so I am running again. Maybe the weight range has nothing to do with it. Maybe I feel better because I know when I am running—or even walking a lot—I am taking care of my body. I am not letting it sit around gathering dust and fat cells, while I stuff my face with Christmas treats or while I write seminar papers and read too much.

Sometimes I think I would have made a good groundskeeper. I should have gone to Purdue and majored in turf management. I could be working at some golf course in Texas right now, riding my lawn mower, writing in my spare time, and going to the beach on the weekends. For that matter, I could have just left the US right after graduation and moved to Ireland. I could have been backpacking around Europe for the last ten or fifteen years.

Instead of doing that, though, I have been making pizzas, being a barista, teaching little kids, pastoring youth, being a graduate student, or teaching college students. Essentially, I have been a part of the rat race. I am a part of the rat race. I will remain a part of the rat race. I wonder how much of my life is consumed with thoughts of possessions or money.

On another little tangent: I think I am losing my mind. Well, at least I am losing my memory. I won’t elaborate, but if another wonderful memory loss episode happens, I promise I will share it. If I remember.

1 Comment

Posted in Christmas, Fat, Just for Fun, Reading, Running