Category Archives: Grace

20 Before 40: I Stole This Idea from A Friend

Posted on 14 December 2013 | 1 comment

As I was sitting here thinking about how to change my life and the things I want (or need) to accomplish before I turn 40, I came upon a former preservice teacher’s Facebook post. LeeAnn posted a list of 25 things she wanted to accomplish before she turned 25 and then made her way through the list. According to the post, she hasn’t done all 25 things, but I am not sure that she is yet 25. I love the idea of having goals and trying to accomplish them by a monumental birthday. And, it just so happens that I will turn 40 in seven months and seven days, which is 219 days. I don’t think I have time to do 40 things by 40, but I can do 20 things by 40. If I should happen to accomplish all 20 and have time left over, I’ll just make a new list. Let’s see how many of these things I can accomplish before my birthday:

Exercise related:

  1. Run a marathon. This is still a goal, even though I can’t run at all right now because of my sore foot. Slow and steady wins the race.
  2. Finish the Racine 70.3 on July 21.  I’d like to finish it in under 8 hours.
  3. Swim a 500 in 7:30 minutes.
  4. Take a yoga class. I suppose I could do this through the Ball, but I am not sure if I will have the time. This may wait until we move.
  5. Do a 30 burpees in 30 days challenge. I will start this on January 1.
  6. Ride a century ride on the bicycle. This doesn’t have to be official. If I ride from here to Gaston to Richmond and back, that’ll work.
  7. Meditate for at least 15 minutes each day. I will start this on January 1.

One of my goals in this section is to swim the Chicago race called Big Shoulders. I plan to do it, but it doesn’t happen until September, so it really won’t happen before my birthday.

Food related:

  1. Eat paleo at least 80% of the time. Preferably eat paleo as much as possible.
  2. Try foods that aren’t the usual things I eat.
  3. Visit every Indiana brewery with my brother.
  4. Learn to cook one new thing each month.
  5. Do not drink alcohol until my birthday. This will start on January 1.

Reading, writing, or art related:

  1. Read the whole Bible. I’ve read the whole text, but I’ve never read it all the way through.
  2. Reread the Harry Potter series.
  3. Finish the Sketchbook Project book I just received in the mail. Even if I don’t finish it in time to turn it in, in January, I still want to fill it.
  4. Finish my master’s degree in creative writing. Get my project published somewhere.
  5. Post a blog post three days a week. Write something every day.

Personal:

  1. Get a new tattoo.
  2. Lose 40 pounds. That’s 5 pound a month, or roughly one pound each week. Surely I can do that, right?
  3. Find a job doing something I love.

I am not sure how much meaning there is in this list, but there are some things on this list that I’ve been hoping to do for a while. Maybe by articulating them, I’ll have greater success.

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Posted in Birthday Crisis, Fat, Goals, Grace, Paleo/Primal, Reading, Running, Swimming, Tattoos, Triathlon, Writing

Advent, Food and Exercise, Writing, and Stress

Posted on 7 December 2013 | Leave a comment

Most people who know me would not be able to believe that my two favorite liturgical seasons are Lent and Advent, in that order. I love spiritual waiting, because I know at the end of the wait there will be Jesus. I love the anticipation of Jesus, who is in all ways God, coming to earth in all ways human during Advent. I reluctantly wait for his inevitable death with the promise of resurrection during Lent. There is nothing quite like spiritual anticipation to make a person realize how blessed we are on this earth, how much the God of the universe cares for us and gives us grace. I agree with Nadia Bolz-Weber when she insists that our spiritual and theological lives consists of hundreds, if not thousands, of little deaths, resurrections, and rebirths (paraphrase). So it is every day for me. Anticipation of these spiritual events keeps me keeping on. Anticipation gives me hope.

Contrarily, I do not love earthly waiting. Instead I am like the cliché kid in the candy shop, wanting to take as little time as possible to make things happen in this world. I want things and I want them now. Maybe that’s why I put so much stock in Advent and Lent; it makes feel as if I have some otherworldly waiting ability. Anyway, I’m in a period of waiting now, on this earth, for the next steps. I’m leaving teaching at the end of May, at least for a while, until I can figure out what I want to do with myself. I’m hoping to be a bartender, or a barista, or something that involves the outdoors for a bit. I need to regroup and rethink and refocus. So, I am waiting to see what comes next. And it feels like an eternity. And it feels like so many things to figure out. And it feels overwhelming.

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Well, I tried a Whole 30, but again didn’t succeed. It takes a lot of work for me to be that strict with my food. Food is love and grace for me, and I still want to share in happy hour with my friends. Maybe I’m a weak person, maybe I have no self-control (see above, I want it, now), maybe I need a legitimate starting point like New Year’s to make things stick, maybe I’m just destined to be a fat kid. Who knows? What I do know is that from my lowest weight last year until now, I’ve gained almost 30 pounds. I chalk it up to stress, since I eat my feelings. I chalk it up to the mild depression I feel every fall/winter, since I sometimes don’t even want to get out of bed.

I am nowhere near my fattest, but I am not happy with this weight gain, because I can’t run, bike, or swim as fast. That being said, I’m cruising through the holidays, and then I’ll try to make some changes. It’s too much to try to be festive and self-policing at the same time.

I have also fallen short of my yearly goal this year to move my body 5 miles each day. I don’t think there’s any way for me to accomplish this goal, since my body doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with my grand plan of completing a mini-triathlon each day. I did four days worth, but then my body sort of said, “Fuck you, fatty, this is too much exercise.” And now my foot hurts, and I don’t think I can do it. But I’m going to try again starting tomorrow.

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I’ve been trying to write with my students this semester, but all I’ve gotten out of it is a load of crap and some really bad starts to several nonsensical stories. I am taking a teaching creative writing class this spring semester, so I can make something out of my classes for my PhD that I won’t be using for an actual PhD, since I quit. I hope the muse comes back to me before I have to start working on my creative project for the Master’s degree I’ll be trying to get. It’ll be in creative writing, and I have to write a new creative nonfiction piece that is publishable. This may be a bit tricky. Anyway, my whole point is I need a muse.

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I have never felt so much stress at any point in my life up to this date. I can’t imagine being a person who is this stressed all the time, nor can I fathom how some people function while carrying around such a huge load of anger, suspicion, and doubt as I see people carrying. I have found myself wondering how people keep from simply collapsing under the weight of the burdens they bear, because I sometimes feel like I could cave to the small amount of things I shoulder.

During this Advent, my heart hurts for people who experience stress, despair, anger, suspicion, doubt, hate, a painful past, or illness, and I pray and hope for healing, peace, love, and grace to visit them through me. I anticipate that the risen Christ will show through me and my actions as I love people this Advent. I anticipate being grace.

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Posted in Advent, Christianity, Christmas, CNF, Cycling, Education, Fat, Food, Goals, Grace, Joy, Lent, Mental Health, New Year, Paleo/Primal, Religion, Running, School, Spirituality, Swimming, Teaching, Triathlon, Whole 30, Winter Weather, Writing

Vacation: I Already Miss the Mountains

Posted on 10 June 2013 | Leave a comment

I said I’d write here every day over the summer, and then I promptly went to Gatlinburg for vacation. Our cabin was supposed to be fitted with Wi-Fi, but I don’t think it was Apple compatible as it worked the first night, but didn’t work any day the rest of the time we were there, so I was unable to write for a bit.

While we were in the Smokies, my brother and I hiked up to see Ramsay’s Cascade. The hike was an eight-mile out and back loop from the base of the mountain to nearly the top. The trail guide said it gained something like 2000 feet in elevation, and the terrain was somewhat difficult, though certainly not impassable. The final half a mile was the most difficult both going up and coming down, because we had climb over boulders and they were a wee bit slippery. However, anyone in reasonable shape, given enough time could make it to the top and back out. It took us about four hours, and we even stopped a lot to take pictures. I would think most folks could make the trek in less than 8 hours.

Also while we were gone, I had some time to think about who I am and where this writing is going. I read a couple of books, some magazines, meditated, and spent time alone in my basement bedroom thinking about who I want to be. This summer will likely be a ten-week consideration of how my ideas of joy, grace, Christianity, and Buddhism can fit together to get me through the school year next year without sliding back into who I was at the end of the school year this year. I need to think a lot about my pedagogy and what’s important to me in the classroom, and I need to be open to finding inspiration in strange places, like Runner’s World Magazine and their special section about Boston. Even though I am nowhere near fast enough to ever qualify for Boston, the bombing and the ways in which it was handled still had a great impact on me.

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Posted in Grace, Joy, Summer

Final Weeks of School. Half Ironman and Nutrition. Thoughts on Boston.

Posted on 20 April 2013 | Leave a comment

We’re quickly closing in on the end of the school year here in good ol’ east central Indiana. My students are antsy, and so am I. My colleague Abbie and I are getting ready to begin a really cool project with our students. For the entire month of May, our students will complete a self-directed project based on those topics, writers, texts, or themes that we were unable to cover throughout the school year, but the important part of the project is that they will not only choose their topics, they will also design their final essay/project based on their research. We’re really excited to do something that we think is pretty cutting edge for high schoolers. Of course, we’re requiring them to complete certain things during their course of study, but for the most part, it’s up to them to carry out the study while meeting with us once a week to discuss their work. I’m sure this project will beat the pants off of the ECA (end of course assessment) they’re required to take for the state.

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The Muncie 70.3 is twelve weeks away. I’ve been training, but this next week I put the pedal to the metal as the miles increase from here on out. I need some help with accountability, and I know that it’ll be obvious if I don’t train well, but I tend to skip workouts because of exhaustion from work. I’m hoping if I post MyTrainingSchedule here, some of you who read this and who correspond with me on Facebook or Twitter will help keep me honest. Seriously, I’d love it if you ask me once a week or so whether I am sticking to my training or not. I am generally pretty disciplined, but every little bit helps!

I’m also working on moving back to a mostly paleo diet for the fueling of this adventure. I’ve been “cheating” a lot and drinking beer, eating wheat products, and snacking on ice cream. None of these help me accomplish my goals: the alcohol makes me tired, the wheat makes me bloated and gaseous, and the ice cream makes my joints ache. When I eat paleo, I feel so much more energetic and clean. I am sure the food I eat will make or break my venture.

I’m also in need of losing a few more pounds so I don’t look like a sausage in my new Muncie Area Fun Squad tri-kit. If I train consistently and eat properly, I have no doubt that I’ll lose the 15 pounds I need to lose by July 13. Incidentally, I am pretty proud to be finishing this Half Ironman the week before my 39th birthday. Now I just need to finish a marathon by next July, and I will have accomplished both of my “before 40” goals. Maybe my “before 50” goals will be an ultra-marathon and a full Ironman! Haha!

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When I heard the news about the Boston Marathon bombing, I had several reactions, none of which I believe were any different than those reactions had by others: shock, dismay, fear, compassion, anger, love, and pretty much every other emotion a person can have, all rolled into one. I feel this way every time I hear of a tragic event like this one.

Now, a few days later, I just want us (humans) come together to provide healing for the victims, healing for the family of the two young men, a legitmate (not hate-influenced punishment) for the remaining bomber, grace to those people who can’t get past their hate, and safety for those folks who are part of big, un(or poorly)guarded sporting events like marathons. I don’t want people to be scared. I don’t want people to be angry. I don’t want people to seek revenge. I want peace. I want justice. And I want grace. I want to imagine.

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Posted in Beer, Biking, Buddhism, Christianity, Cider, Education, Ethics, Fat, Food, Goals, Grace, Joy, Literature, Mental Health, Paleo/Primal, Politics, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Social Justice, Spirituality, Swimming, Teaching, Triathlon, Work

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Cultivate Joy: Part Two (St. Bernard)

Posted on 24 January 2013 | 4 comments

I am slowly coming to realize that joy is not necessarily an outwardly expressed, chipper, I-am-so-happy-because-everything-is-fine type of feeling or attitude. Joy is an inwardly felt, deep, intense, I-am-so-connected-with-Jesus-I-can’t-help-but-feel-any-other-way-(at this moment)-and-I-can’t-help-but-share-this type of feeling or attitude. And, it seems as if everything I read about joy indicates that it’s cyclic. Of course, the goal is to be in a permanent state of joy, but because we have other human emotions, the permanence is varied depending upon the presence of those other emotions.

For example, according to an article by Sylvie Supper titled “Spiritual Joy in the Works of St. Bernard,” St. Bernard believed that joy is one of four inner movements. The other three are sadness, love, and fear (361). Supper quotes Bernard’s own writing: “If sadness follows fear, it brings despair. If joy comes after love, it brings laxness. Let joy then some after fear, for fear dreads what is to come, whereas joy finds happiness in what is present and possesses the object of a prudent security. Joy must therefore put fear to the test. And a tested fear is nothing but prudence. Sadness must follow joy, for whoever remembers sad things will embrace joyous things with moderation. Thus sadness must balance joy, and a balanced joy is nothing but moderation” (361-2). The part of this statement that resounds with me is this: “Joy must put fear to the test. [. . .] Sadness must follow joy, for whoever remembers sad things will embrace joyous things with moderation.” I find myself telling my students that bad things happens in order to help us recognize the beauty and grace that surrounds us every day, but St. Bernard says that remembering sadness will help us “embrace joyous things with moderation.” What that says to me is that if we remember sadness, we’ll realize that joy is temporary and subject to change. We won’t let ourselves be swept away by joy, but we will realize the beauty of that joy, because we remember the sadness we’ve experienced as well. On this earth we must recognize there will be highs and lows. We should expect them, and remember each to temper the other. Now I feel like I am talking in a circle: joy, sadness, joy again, sadness again.

In order to illustrate the various types or levels of joy, St. Bernard sets up an excellent metaphor involving drinking: a taste is the joy of God we can experience during life, drink is the joy that is experienced by the souls of the saints, and inebriation is the experience of joy at the resurrection of the body (364). In this life, we can only taste; we can’t become inebriated. He quotes Psalm 35: 9, but I think both 9 and 10 help to better explain this idea of the inebriation of joy: “Then my soul shall rejoice in the Lord, exulting in his deliverance. All my bones shall say, ‘O Lord, who is like you? You deliver the weak from those too strong for them, the weak and the needy from those who despoil them.'” It’s as if the speaker’s entire body is steeped in deliverance, and why would that not bring an intoxicating, inebriating joy? “All my bones shall say” I am filled with the joy of the Lord. How many times has my whole body said, “I am inebriated with you, Lord”? Not yet. Not here. St. Bernard, much like John Wesley from the last post, says that inebriating joy will come later, that it’s not this-worldly.

Jubilus cordis is “the very music of the heart,” which is only found when our hearts experience “the deepest and most intimate joy of the soul united with God” (366). This intimacy is given to us through the books of Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Songs, and it is felt as if from an intimate couple, such as two individuals who marry or who are deeply, intimately bound. Supper says that this intimacy “is a certain experience of God that communicates to the soul [God’s] sweetness and the joy of [God’s] presence” (366). This reminds me of the song “You Are So Good to Me” by Third Day. The chorus says, “You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song,” which seems like a version of this intimacy with Jesus that’s prevalent in Song of Songs.

Finally, Supper explains that though St. Bernard focuses on the inner workings of joy, joy cannot help but radiate our from us. We should have a desire to share our inner joy with others. So, for Bernard, as for Wesley, this inner attitude becomes an outward attitude. Something we just can’t help but share. I suppose first you have feel joyful inwardly, which is my difficulty. I’m not sure if I should expect this joy that can’t help but radiate to be a knock-me-down kind of joy, or just this occasional sweet, peaceful, sort of pukey feeling I get in my soul when everything seems to be right with God. I think it’s the second one, because it seems to be tempered with fear like in the first part of this post, but I also think St. Bernard thought it was the first one, too. Joy is subtle and joy is blatantly obvious. Basically, joy boils down to, again, a relationship with God. Joy is part of the fruit of that relationship. It’s a part of the fruit I wish I could taste more frequently. I want to be inebriated with joy. Here. Now. I don’t want to have to wait for it. I’m the Veruca Salt of the spiritual fruit: I want it now.

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Supper provides a nice little glossary of terms St. Bernard uses for joy:

  • gaudium: signifies all kinds of joy
  • laetitia and exsultatio: signify the exultation of those who have found God, opposite of bitterness; confiteor: the praise of whoever gives thanks to God
  • hilaris: one who gives joy, the radiation of the face
  • jucundus: someone who leads another to joy
  • congratulatio and congaudere: shared joy
  • alacritas: fervent and driving joy
  • delectare: delight found in resting in God
  • jubilus: the inner song of the soul united with God

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Posted in Christianity, Ethics, Goals, Grace, Joy, Relationships, Religion, Spirituality

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