Last Day Before the Long Haul

Posted on 4 January 2011 | 2 comments

Today is my last day of freedom before the long haul to Spring Break. Sometimes I am sure you think, She hates her job. I don’t hate it; in fact, I love my job. What I don’t love is the 8 to 4 regularity of it. I don’t love being in the same room for five hours, teaching similar things for those five hours. I also don’t love grading. Not one little bit. I love the look on a student’s face when she finally understands what we’re talking about. I love the letter from parents telling you that you are making a difference in their child’s life. And, I love the way you feel at the end of the day, like you’ve just helped 113 students get a little bit smarter. About English. About themselves. About the world. About life.

I told my mom yesterday that I am pretty sure I need to pastor a church. I would love it if the Methodist Church would just get rid of their ridiculous homophobia and ordain GLBT pastors. I’d be the first in line to sign up for candidacy, but I can’t live the lie that is what the Methodists expect of their queer pastors. I need to pastor because I love talking with people about God’s love, I love hearing about what people are going through, I love trying to work with people to reach a common solution. The facet of pastoring that’s freeing is that you don’t have to put values on people. And, actually, you are specifically called not to put values on people, unless you are helping them to see how God has so much more for them in their lives than what they are currently experiencing. I think I mean that you are called to help people see their shortcomings, but also to help people see how God is already there waiting for them, to make them more perfect. I love this quote from Rob Bell: “A fresh new word has been spoken about you and you are actually pulled into a better future.” That’s what I want to bring to people. You aren’t who you were; you’re in the process of becoming.

As far as wishing that the Methodists would change, I suppose I can poop in one hand, and wish in the other and which do you think will fill up first?

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Posted in Queer, Religion

You Are Beautiful

Posted on 3 January 2011 | Leave a comment

I met some friends at Peppy Grill in Indianapolis the other day. What a different place in the middle of the day! Instead of the gay men coming from the Metro and the club kids coming from other hot night spots, there was a random collection of blue collar workers, professionals, families, and semi-homeless or homeless people. I suppose it makes perfect sense that Peppy’s would appeal to different types of people. They serve greasy-spoon diner, also known as down-home, food at a very low price. My friends and I had way more than we could eat and our bill was only $30. We also had about three hours of excellent conversation.

On a side note, one thing I was reminded of during this break is the fact that I thrive when I participate in intellectual conversation. The more lost I feel in the midst of it, the better I feel afterward. I get a little lost in what I am learning from friends sometimes, and it thrills me!

Anyway, back to my story: on my way home, I went through the neighborhood around Peppy Grill (Fountain Square) a bit before just settling into the long drive ahead of me. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked up at the top of this building and saw a message, one that I interpreted as being just for me. I wasn’t feeling particularly ugly, but what a positive and lively message of encouragement to be found on top of a building in the middle of a city! I need to purchase a decent camera. I guess that’s on my wish list.

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Posted in Food, Grace, Relationships

A New Year. New Goals.

Posted on 2 January 2011 | Leave a comment

2011. For it’s ability to bring hope and fresh passion to an otherwise apathetic and decaying culture, I embrace the celebration of the new year. I understand that we might experience failures in the new year; we are a fallen people. This is no longer Eden. However, the festivity of New Year’s Eve and the solemnity with which people make vows, create resolutions, and set goals that theoretically will make them better people makes me know that each new year brings restored passion and compassion. There’s hope in the air. People have faith that this year will somehow be better than last. And, we give forgiveness for those failures we’ve previously experienced. Presumably, our goal is to make ourselves better this year. Here are my goals for this year. They’re not much different than last, but they attempt to take what I have been trying to do and to do it better.

  1. Read. Both the bible and other books. Hopefully a little bit of each, each day. Watch less television, even though I already don’t watch much. It’s amazing to me how productive I can be when I don’t watch the television. I will however watch Bones and Big Love.
  2. Run. Every day except Sunday. My goal is to run three miles a day on Monday through Thursday. On Friday, I’ll run two miles, and on Saturdays at least six miles. I also plan to add some other types of exercise. I want to finish two marathons: my own Ivanhoe’s Marathon and the Towpath Marathon.
  3. Eat. Only food I can recognize as food. I want to remain vegan, but I want to narrow this down a bit more and eat only whole foods, such as beans, rice, vegetables, and the like. Cut out processed foods and sugars.
  4. Dissertate. Two chapters. I want to finish two chapters of my dissertation this summer, and I have set forth a plan to make this happen.
  5. Teach. To the best of my abilities. Love each student. Be firm with each student. Guide each student to his or her highest potential. Be more diligent in grading.
  6. Attitude. Change it. I need to work on being more relaxed and carefree. I need to talk less and listen more. I need to remember that I don’t always have to be right. Loving people is more important than anything else. My stress level is through the roof, and I need to remember that the only person I have to please is God. What this means and where this will take me, I don’t know, but I am open to doing whatever it is I am supposed to do. I would just like to know what that is!

I am also working on an art/writing project. Once I get it going and hammer it out, I will post a link to the ongoing project. I am pretty excited about it.

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Posted in Dissertation, Fat, Food, Goals, Gym, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Teaching, Vegetarian or Vegan

Earthquake. Cheese Sauce.

Posted on 30 December 2010 | Leave a comment

I was awakened this morning by a miniature earthquake, registering 3.8 on the scale. The bed shook a bit, but it didn’t feel as strong as the one a couple of years ago. That one made the armoire doors bang. This one, for sure, made the dogs and cats go a little bit crazy.

More earth-shattering, though, is my need to create a recipe for good faux-yo-nachos cheese sauce. I found a recipe that was passable, but I think I am going to combine the recipe for plain cheese sauce (from American Vegan Kitchen) with the one I found for nacho cheese sauce. My problem with the one I found wasn’t the texture or flavor necessarily, but more the fact that it wasn’t at all spicy enough. I need my nacho sauce to be HOT! As I said, I am going to attempt to take the parts of each of these that I like and make my own recipe. We’ll see what happens.

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Posted in Vegetarian or Vegan, Winter Weather

Muddling Along on a Day That Was Supposed to Be Perfect

Posted on 30 December 2010 | 3 comments

Have you ever had one of those days? I have. Yesterday was a day that started off beautifully. I got up and walked the dogs a mile, playing in the snow along the way. The weather was just right, about 20º with no wind and no precipitation. When we got home we played inside for a bit, and then I went out for a run. The run was nice. I felt good. I ran the same route I ran a couple of days ago, only I ran it in reverse and about five minutes faster. When I got home, I made some delicious oatmeal and had a nice breakfast with some juice and my vitamins. I had everything in my backpack. I was ready to walk to Starbucks to grade. And then.

Someone sent me a text that ruined the day. You know how you have these things about yourself that you just embrace instead of trying to change? Those things that make you who you are? I have a few of those things about me that I fully embrace, but it seems like some people I know view these character traits as flaws. Sometimes, I can just say, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke,” but other times the things people say really get to me. They make me look at those parts of myself I work so hard to embrace and question them. When I question them, suddenly I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me and coming up short. Then, of course, I just get sad, and I keep telling myself I can’t measure up and that I’ll never amount to anything. What bothers me is that I cover these feelings up really well, so even when I tell people to knock it off, they don’t stop. Like yesterday, when I told this person that the comments were getting old, the response was that they weren’t getting old for him/her. Seriously. I am asking you to stop, and you still don’t.

Sometimes I can’t handle it. I just want to leave and never look back.I spent the better portion of yesterday, the day that was supposed to be beautiful, doubting myself and beating myself up for being such a worthless slug. Then I realized. That person can just be an asshole, in fact, is an asshole. And that has no reflection on me. I can embrace those parts of myself that are a little out of step with the rest of American culture. I can embrace my inner-other-cultureness. I enjoy living my life the way I do. I think my easy-goingness is both a source of admiration and a source of frustration for my friends and family. But, frankly, I want to get back to the way I was before. I want to not care what other people think, and I want to just let things roll off my back. I suppose that’s my New Year’s resolution, along with others that I will list on the first. I am going to consciously work to do what I want, to let things roll off of me and not to impact me, and to not always have to know, to not always have to behave like a good little ladder climber. I like the bottom rungs. I should just revel in being close to the ground. And, then, when I do stumble, and I do fall, I won’t have far to go.

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Posted in Relationships