Tag Archives: Triathlon

Why I Changed My Mind About Doing Muncie 70.3 This July

Posted on 10 May 2025 | Leave a comment

In November 2013, I made my last real attempt to finish a marathon. I trained. Hard. And then around mile 15 (maybe), I turned a corner where I saw that I would be running through a gauntlet of gingko trees. Normally, no worries, but I am allergic to the entire outdoors, and even though it wasn’t full on pollen season for these trees, they attacked my lungs in some way.

I have allergy and exercise induced asthma. Since high school, I have been able to control my exercise-induced asthma with swimming, meditating, and breathing exercises, but my allergy-induced asthma was a new and more aggressive development in my respiratory journey. So, I started to cry, which did not help my breathing, then I got overwhelmed and embarrassed, then I quit. I called my parents to come pick me up at mile 15 (maybe), and I was so devestated that I pretty much quit trying to run long distances, and eventually put myself into a shame cycle that resulted in my eventual loss of fitness and no real desire to return fully to it until last June. I dabbled, but never remained faithful to any kind of longterm fitness plan.

Last June, at my fattest, I weighed 293 pounds. I am 5’3″ tall. In general, I am not a fat-shaming individual, but I wasn’t comfortable in my own body in a way that I had never experienced before in my life. Had I been weight conscious? Yes. Had I tried to lose weight or get in better shape? Yes. Did I ever have problems tying my shoes before? No. Did I ever experince struggling to walk a mile before? No. I am well aware that part of my struggle with my health was brought on by extreme stress, depression, unhealthy eating, and having COVID four times in three years time. But, to me all of those things (except COVID) were a by product of quitting that marathon nearly a decade ago. Obviously, I am not silly enough to think that all of my problems with my health stem from that, but when I quit that marathon. I kind of quit on myself. And when I quit on myself, it affected nearly all facets of my life.

I would never tell someone else to lose weight, and I would never say that being fat is the worst thing a person can be, but, for me, last June was a time I don’t want to return to. I enjoy being active. I enjoy moving my body. I enjoy how exercise makes me feel. I don’t want to return to being so exhausted and depressed that I could barely remember to shower or do my dishes or fold my clothes. So, I decided to eat healthier, exercise more, and get myself back. From June until December I lost about 20 pounds on my own by exercising with a friend who was losing a lot of weight; I also kind of tried to mimic what I ate after what she was eating, because she was being so successful. Then in December, I decided I wanted to try to use an app to help with weightloss. Since starting that app, I’ve lost another 20 pounds. I would still like to lose about 60 more pounds, so I can trail run like a boss again.

One of the first things I did when I started losing weight last summer was sign up for the Muncie 70.3, because I had completed it in 2013 after another period in my life when I had lost weight (this was before quitting the marathon). I decided that would be my goal. And, in January, I started focused training for the event. I quickly realized two things: because of my lung capacity, running is really hard these days, and because training for a triathlon requires work in three sports, I was struggling to make time in my already overloaded schedule for quality workouts. I continued working hard until late March or early April, but then I had a triumvirate of circumstances that derailed me: my mother-in-law died, I got really sick again with some sort of respiratory illness, and I got selected for jury duty. All of these events caused me to get a little behind in everything, and what I ended up having to cut was my workouts.

I travelled to Minnesota to be with my wife for a few days after her mom died, and while I was up there, and on the 10 hour drive each way, I contemplated whether or not I could get back on track with my training, whether or not starting this triathlon and maybe not finishing would be healthy for me, and whether or not I could continue to sustain my work load while getting back on track. For me, everything (work, training, household chores, social events, church, and anything else) works together in a really delicate balance of mental health opportunities and challenges. I always have to consider what will push me back into depression or what will help me stay out of depression. I don’t know if everyone else has to do that or not, but if you do, I feel for you, because it really sucks to have life be controlled by the potential of falling back into a dark place that is difficult to escape. Being mentally healthy is a constant struggle for some of us.

I know—I can sense it in my soul, think it my mind, and feel it in my body— that if I start that race on July 12, and I don’t finish, that I will fall back into a serious depression. And, since I have been sober for a bit longer than 40 months now, depression isn’t something I want to invite into my life. I know that I will push myself to a point of pain, because I said I would do it, and I’ll be embarrassed if I don’t finish. I know that I will likely not finish within the time limit, so it would go into hte world as a DNF. I know if I have to see that in print, I will feel like I failed. And, I know at least one of you reading this would say something to me, like a DNF is better that Did Not Start. Well, for me it really isn’t at this point in my life. I know that someday I will do another 70.3 and maybe someday, maybe, I will even attempt a 120.6. But, not this July. This July 12, I will probably be hiking somewhere, having fun with friends.

Ultimately, I decided that I need to use the ten weeks of summer to create the life I want, one of getting up early to swim, walking/running, eating healthy, going for bike rides, reading good books, working, hiking, having social time, writing, planning next school year, vacationing with my wife, going to church on Sundays and taking a real Sabbath, and accomplishing some sort of rhythm that fills me up and makes me be my best.

Ultimately, I decided that I can’t afford to start a race that I may not finish. I can’t let myself down in that way at this point in my life, and I can’t push myself back into that shame cycle. I need to have exercise be a safe place that cleaves my mind, soul, and body in a way that doesn’t seem like work, but seemd like a release and comfort. I have experienced that before, so I know it’s possible.

Ultimately, I am choosing me. I am working hard to balance my social, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, environmental, financial, occupational, and social wellness.

Ultimately, I am not giving up, but I am moving forward.

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Writing and Art; Cranes; 70.3; Eating Vegetables

Posted on 13 April 2015 | Leave a comment

I spent this past weekend with my friend Sarah A. Chavez while she was up here in the Cities for AWP 2015, and I sort of hung around the conference wishing I’d have spent the money for admission to it. I was thankful I was able to attend so many offsite events, since the readings are really the best part anyway. Sarah and I met and had breakfast with our friend Ahyicodae (Ico), who lives up here, and with whom I get the pleasure to have writing and workshop days now that we’ve made that connection. For me, these connections are the writing equivalent of my artistic connections with Lyn and Tish.

I get all fired up and excited about writing and art when I am around other people who are passionate about being creative, so once again the creative fire is lit under my smoldering and lackadaisical behind. I’m not making excuses, but it’s easy for me to become complacent about art and writing (they are a lot of work!) when I am not making art, not talking about art, and not feeling inspired. I am blessed to have many, many creative friends, both writers and artists. I am blessed to continually meet folks (like Nell, who was one of the first non-work people I met up here) who make the world more beautiful through their creativity.

I know I am flash-in-the-pan and have almost zero stick-to-it-ive-ness (what a word!), but I wrote a rough draft of a poem today and I started a short creative nonfiction piece this morning as well. I have the ideas for some artwork, and I know I just need to do it. The theme I am currently stuck on, and I blame the liturgical calendar and where I am in my life, is resurrection, rebirth, and reconciliation. I feel like I’ve died and come back to life, like a cliche little phoenix.

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Here’s part of the CNF piece I started this morning: “Whenever I wash the dishes, I always look out the window toward the Mississippi River, which is about two blocks west of our house. Sometimes if I strain, I can hear the barges pushing their freight, and sometimes if I pay close attention, I can see interesting water fowl low in flight as they land or take off from the water, even though I can’t really see the river. Today I was standing by the back window in front of the sink washing the dishes from last night’s culinary success while thinking about everything I wanted to accomplish today. I noticed a hawk and a couple of other birds flying in an odd pattern over the neighbor’s house. I wondered why the birds were behaving so sporadically and scoured the ground for the neighbor’s dog, which sometimes runs along the street in front of their house. No dog. I traced the flight pattern up into the sky and was humbled by what was making the local birds behave so strangely. The sky was marked with the unmistakable giant white bodies and long, black-tipped wings of the whooping crane, a cast of about 50 of them in fact. My day became glorious in that minute of awe, and I continue to thank God that I am still here and that I am so blessed.”

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The thing I am struggling with the most in my life right now is the desire and energy to train for this half-marathon in June and the 70.3 in July. Neither race is going to be pretty. In fact, I think they are going to be very, very ugly. More factually, I think I’ll be lucky to finish them both. I am having a difficult time with running. I have the desire. I can remember what it felt like to be able to run 9 miles at a stretch with virtually no difficulty and no soreness the next day. I can remember what it was like to run 15 miles on a Saturday, being sore the next day, but not dying from it. My body wants to be there again, but with everything is so psychological. My mind says, “Remember how bad your legs and feet hurt after work and standing for 8 hours at a time. You can’t run after that. You need to go home and put your feet up and watch 97 hours of Murder, She Wrote. You don’t need to write or do art or run or swim or do anything but be a slug. You’ve earned it by working so hard.” I’m trying to focus my meditation and prayer, now that Lent is over, on positive self-talk in regards to triathlon-related and creativity-related pursuits. Today, I am going for a three-mile walk. Tomorrow, I am going for a swim and run. My goal is to never turn on the TV or open a book until I’ve accomplished my goals for the day. That sort of relaxing is my reward. I don’t read for a living anymore.

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I’ve been vegetarian again for two weeks now. Psychologically, I feel 100% better. I always forget how clear my mind becomes when my life isn’t held in a balance based on killing creatures for sustenance. Physically, I feel about the same. My body is still store from work, and I still think I need to just lay about (see above). I think it’s worth being a kind-hearted eater to not have dreams about dying animals, and I think it’s worth it to be adventurous in the kitchen again. We’d gotten in the rut of eating the same five or six meals over and over again, but we’re shaking it up a bit these past few days. Yesterday, I made my first batch of saag paneer, and it was delightful and filling. And, I am mostly past a point in my life where I am willing to do pretty much anything to lose weight. I’m not. I’m more interested in living a consistent ethic of life, and a life lived well and not on the backs of innocents.

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Now I am off to buy a cheap table to use for my printmaking lair upstairs in the attic.

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Posted in Art, Biking, Christianity, CNF, Cooking, CW, Cycling, Easter, Ethics, Fat, Fat Runner, Fitness, Food, Goals, Grace, Gym, Health, Joy, Lent, Meditation, Mental Health, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, Spirituality, Swimming, Trail Running, Triathlon, Vegetarian or Vegan, Walking, Weight Loss, Weightlifting, Wellness, Workout, Writing

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Happy New Year 2015

Posted on 2 January 2015 | 2 comments

Well, here it is, the time of year in which we’re supposed to look back with a regretful or chastising eye and then look forward with a hopeful or change-oriented one. For me, that’s every day, so this socially constructed mindfulness, reflection, personal analysis seems a bit felt up. I’m not being judgmental toward others who find this act refreshing; I’m simply saying that the way most people feel right now, looking back and looking forward, is pretty much how I live my life. I do enjoy the way the new year brings us all together into the same thoughtful consideration of what we’d like to change about ourselves. I love reading the goals that other people post, and I love hearing how people want to make the world better, starting with themselves. And I do love to participate in goal setting or resolution making. It’s an act of hope, like thinking that one day things will be better. So here’s to 2015, which will be better than 2014!

  1. Social Media: As of January 5, I plan to remove myself from social media. No more Facebook, no more Twitter, no more Instagram. For one year. Instead of these venues, I plan to call people, have real email conversations, and engage in face-to-face interactions with those people I love (or those who I will get to know). My interactions on Facebook, with the exception of some, simply serve to make me angry, jealous, bitter, ungracious, or otherwise not kind, compassionate, loving, friendly, or like someone I’d want to be around. If you know me, you can feel free to email, call, or text.
  2. Blogging: In lieu of social media, I am starting a creative project in which I write letters to people from throughout my life. Some letters will be anonymous, some addressed to the intended recipient, but all will be as close to the “truth” as I can get. I’ll house those posts at Grace and Shame, Letters, which is also linked on the right hand side of this blog. I doubt many folks will read the letters, because I won’t have them posting to Facebook or Twitter, but I hope to simply get improve my writing, post some hilarious and heartbreaking stories from my life (people are always telling me I have lots of stories), and maybe connect to some people through things that we have in common. I plan to allow myself an hour a day for writing, starting on January 5 for a total of 360 letters by year-end.
  3. Athletic Pursuits: This year I plan to work out five times a week, doing a variety of running, swimming, biking, and weight lifting. I have mapped out all of January, and I’ve been running and swimming a mile each day, so I think I’m on a good track there. I have two big goals for this calendar year: Muncie 70.3 (finish in 7 hours) and Big Shoulders 5K (finish in 2 hours). That’s it. Other than a couple of fun 5Ks, I have no other goals, except possibly a fall marathon, which entirely depends on my recovery from the 70.3. You can follow my Muncie 70.3 training by clicking above on Ironquest, which is where I will also begin posting my Ironman Wisconsin training after July.
  4. Food for Thought: I am going to eat what I want, when I am hungry. I will focus on eating whole foods and lean toward paleo/primal, but I’m not going to pass up some delicious crusty bread, Chunky Monkey ice cream, or M&Ms, if one of them is offered to me. I’m also checking one macro in my diet, protein, just to make sure I am getting enough to fuel my athletics. I do hope to lose some weight this year, so I’m going to be cautious, but not overly regimented about what I eat.
  5. Drinking: There will be only water, tea, coffee, and fruit juice. Mostly water (a gallon a day if possible, I hear it’s all the rage) and coffee (because I need it to cope). I am abstaining from alcohol, except for the fourth annual Burris Pub Crawl, for the entire year. On a somewhat related note, smoking is out too.
  6. Spirituality: Part of writing, for me, is thinking theologically. The hour of writing will include a bit of time for meditation, scripture reading, and prayer.
  7. Hairy Topics: A seemingly trivial and ridiculous goal is to let my hair grow. My long-term goal is Ironman Wisconsin in 2016, and if I let my hair grow from now until then, I’ll have enough to donate to Locks of Love again. Human hair grows about half an inch a month, so by September of 2016, I should have around ten inches of hair to pull back into a pony tail and shave off. I say this seems like a ridiculous goal, because what kind of a person can’t let her hair grow? Once my hair gets to a certain length, I have a terrible time leaving it on my head. I’ve been mostly bald for the better part of eight years, I’d say, and hair just seems extraneous. However, I do understand how very important hair is to those who have lost it. And, I say this in all humility, I do have pretty awesome hair.

Well, Happy New Year from me to you. I love you all. I do hope you’ll follow my journey.

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Posted in Beer, Biking, Christianity, Cider, Coffee, Cooking, Cycling, Family, Fat, Fat Runner, Fitness, Food, Goals, Grace, Gym, Hair, Health, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, Minneapolis, Minnesota, New Year, Paleo/Primal, Relationships, Religion, Running, silence, Spirituality, Swimming, Trail Running, Triathlon, Walking, Weight Loss, Wellness, Writing

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A Reason to Drive to Minnesota to Throat Punch Me: Fitness

Posted on 7 August 2014 | Leave a comment

If you needed a reason to come to MN to throat punch me, here it is, and I even give you permission, rather the encouragement, to do it. Please, please, please, if I ever say I am going to quit swimming, biking, or running, or if I say I am just going to take a short break from it, get in your car, drive to Newport, Minnesota, and kick my ass. I’ll even give you gas money. If come to throat punch me for some other reason, you’re on your own with the gas money.

That being said, I’ve started running again, very slowly and methodically, but running none the less. I’ve just finished the second week, the second day, of the Couch Potato to 5K program, and it was glorious. I’m hoping to only have to use the guided program for a couple more weeks before my body is just back in the groove of this thing I love. I’m doing most of my running on this trail, The River Bottoms Trail, parts of which are contained in Fort Snelling State Park. The section I am using right now is the part that starts in Mendota, and it’s flat as a pancake, beautiful along the river, and packed dirt so it’s very forgiving, not like concrete or asphalt. As I get better and faster again at running, I’ll explore some of the other parts of the trail, too, but they seem more technical and I don’t want to risk injuring my knee again, so I want to be good and strong before being too adventurous. The waiting is torture. My favorite part of running is careening down hills and skittering back up the other side. It’s a beautiful childlike feeling, but for now I’ll be a 40-year-old who’s afraid to get reinjured.

To begin preparing to train for the Muncie 70.3 next July, I have decided to run three times a week, bike twice a week, and swim twice a week. I’ve already covered my running plan, so I’ll talk about biking. I’m hoping to rope Bec into my biking program next spring, but we’ll see how that goes. We love going for long rides together, so hopefully it’ll mean spending some quality time together once a week for a long ride. Mostly for now, I’m going to ride a couple of short rides each week, then settle into winter. I hate riding in cold weather, so I’ll be spending some time in the garage on the trainer, which I hate almost as much. Maybe I need to get a cheap TV to put out there to make the time pass more quickly. Such is life in Minnesota as a biker in the winter, but there is always spring.

Finally, I just sent for my community lap swim card. Talk about a super-cool, super-weird deal: the schools in our district open their pools for lap swim for anyone in the community. It costs $65 A YEAR to join the community lap swim program. $65 A YEAR! The pools are open four nights a week, and the one closest to my house is open on Monday and Wednesday from 8PM to 9PM, which is perfect. I can get in a nice swim two nights a week, just before bed. I had registered for Big Shoulders this year, but since I haven’t been swimming, I’m going to forgo my participation and watch my friend Teresa do Ironman Wisconsin. I’ll try for Big Shoulders again next year when I’ve been in the pool more.

Here is what I hope my weeks to come will look like:

Day

 Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Activity Swim Run Swim Run Bike LongRun Bike
Time 8-9PM Whenever 8-9PM Whenever Whenever Whenever

Afternoon

Getting back into this type of training is much more difficult than just sticking with it could ever be, so please, please, please, heed my offer. If I ever, ever, ever, mention quitting or taking a break, make the drive and throat punch me. I won’t be surprised about it, and I’ll pay for your gas.

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On a totally unrelated note, people who have very long acrylic fingernails should not be allowed to type in public. Isn’t that so the late 1990s early 2000s anyway? The clicking reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe’s poem “The Bells.” The clicking is maddening. In fact, I think my work is finished here. I’m going to go home and shower, then find a place to get my newest tattoo. Happy Birthday to me.

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Posted in Biking, Birthday Crisis, Cycling, Fat, Fat Runner, Fitness, Goals, Health, Joy, Mental Health, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nature, Running, silence, Spirituality, Swimming, Tattoos, Triathlon, Walking, Wellness

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A New Sabbath Day

Posted on 3 August 2014 | Leave a comment

I want and need a Sabbath, one day each week that I can count on to be strictly my time to spend with God, family, writing, and art, so the one day I said I wouldn’t work at Caribou is Sunday. Fortunately, Caribou eases you in to a full schedule, so I had yesterday and tomorrow off as well. Today we tried out our new Sunday thing, plan, routine, whatever you want to call it. Since Bec and I have radically different ideas about what we like in church, we’ve decided to have the best of both worlds and just attend two services. First, we get up early and head to St. John the Evangelist Episcopal Church in St. Paul, and then we head to Awaken Community in Lilydale. It’s a nice balance and nice way to start the Sabbath. And we get to see the children and grandchildren at Awaken, so that’s a pretty nice bonus. After church today, we came home, had lunch, and then napped. We’re exciting, I know.

We (Bec, Ann, and I) spent yesterday going to the Uptown and Powderhorn Art Fairs. We walked forever and looked at lots of amazing arts and crafts. I bought a card for my mom, a birthday gift for my brother, and an anniversary gift for the Combers. And if any of them read this, I just spoiled the surprise for them all. As we walked, I kept thinking about how God has honored my heart’s desire to have time off of work and to have a job I don’t bring home with me. I couldn’t get the image of myself, sitting in one of those booths and selling my own artwork, out of my mind. Even if it’s only a dream for now, since I have just begun sketching, it’s the freest I’ve felt in a long, long time.

For my first little venture back into the art world, I plan to create a set of prints based on this poem by Wallace Stevens. There have been several interpretations of this poem created by several artists in a few diverse cultures. Artist Joan Colbert hand pulled my favorite set of linoleum block prints that is currently in existence. You can see them here. However, I think there is still room for me to add my voice into the mix, because my style of block printing has a bit more texture in the white spaces, and I plan to print both black and white on brown paper, adding some pastel work into the final prints.

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I got to Minnesota about three weeks ago. Today is August 3, and I arrived on July 11. Just after I got here, or more specifically on my 40th birthday, I made some simple goals, things I’d like to improve upon in my life. Here they are (again): quit smoking and drink only on weekends or not at all; eat primal with one “cheat” day a week; no ice cream; get a job; capitalize on quiet time (read, write, art); and run/walk, bike, swim. Since setting these goals, I’ve accomplished several and am still working on others. I struggle with the ice cream thing. It gives me joy. I’m going to keep eating ice cream for a while. I’ve started adding a brief bit of meditation into my morning routine, and I hope to add it into my evening routine as well. Meditation helps me to quiet my busy mind in a way that nothing else does; I can release my anger and sadness and cultivate compassion and joy through the simple act of breathing.

I’ve created one new goal in all of this, which I mentioned before, but I am going to mention again, and probably keep mentioning. I want to finish the Muncie 70.3 for my second time next July. I want to do it again to prove to myself that I can and to get a better time than last and to just be healthy again. I’ve been running and biking, and I will start swimming later this month, so I know I can do it. I just need to stay focused and remember that I am doing all of this to take care of myself and be well.

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Posted in Art, Christianity, Coffee, Cycling, Fat, Fitness, Food, Goals, Grace, Health, Joy, Meditation, Mental Health, Minneapolis, Paleo/Primal, Religion, Running, Spirituality, Sunday, Swimming, Triathlon, Wellness, Writing

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