For most of my life, as you’ve read countless times here, I make goals, promise commitment and then fail. Not this, my friends, not this time. I am renewing my New Year’s resolutions right now for one more month. If I go month by month, will I have greater success?
I have these goals, and I’ll be damned if I won’t succeed. I have quit Twitter and Facebook in favor of writing and sketching. I have signed up for Racine 70.3 and the Medtronic Marathon (Big Shoulders comes next month), and I have mapped out my training. I have committed to a mostly paleo diet, and with the exception of a few moments of weakness (like the pancakes this morning and the ice cream on Thursday), I have succeeded. I am teaching Bible as Literature, so I am carefully reading along with my students. I have re-read some classic texts, and I am reading some new ones now. I’m making it happen.
So why, then, am I so stressed out? I’m wound up tight, and I can’t figure out why. Is it the moving stress? Is it job-related stress? Is it friends? Enemies (I don’t think I have any of those)? Is it the feelings of pressure or of helplessness in the face of some perceived adversity? Is it because the weight isn’t just falling off this time around? I’m 40, I shouldn’t expect it to, right? I’m not sure, but since I have some of the other things under wraps, I’m going to focus this week on maintaining the workout schedule, and adding in meditation. Contemplation. Just thinking about thinking.
I’ve made it clear that I am a person of goals. I love having something to strive for, and in my previous post I listed twenty things that I’d like to achieve in the coming 19 months. most of which I’d like to achieve in the next seven. Many of my goals are exercise based, some are diet/lifestyle based, and some are just general, but my biggest goal of all is to figure out how to relax, to get back to that place where I march to the beat of my own drum, where I let things roll into my life like a soft wave gently rocking my boat. For about five years now, I’ve been in a place where I have been trying to force things to happen in my life, my career, my routine, my world, but I want to go back to where I was before that, where I just sort of watched things unfold.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always had wishes and desires, and I’ve always had ideas about how I wanted things to go, but I remember being much less forceful about how I was going to end up and where. I think it had something to do with my firm reliance in the Sermon on the Mount, specifically Matthew 6:25-34
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink,or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But strive first for the kingdom of Godand hisrighteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
I used to try to live by this, not worrying about what I would do for work, trusting that I’d always have a job, and my life seemed so much simpler. Maybe I’m doing the thing I do where I make the past seem so much better than it really was, living nostalgically and looking through the rose colored glasses. Or maybe I’m thinking I was more relaxed than I was, but I feel as I am in total stress mode lately, trying to control everything that happens to me, around me, with me. But when push comes to shove, I realize I can’t control anything except my own actions and my own attitude, which have sucked lately.
So, my big resolution is to sit back, relax, and just let things roll. In the words of Bob Marley, “Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing gonna be alright.” I’m hoping not to stress about things and try to control my destiny, but I’m hoping just to let things unfold as they unfold and to try to accept whatever comes my way. Easier said than done, I know, but I’ve got to get rid of the stress.
One thing that I find to be helpful to me to not stress and for me to realize that I just have to let things unfold is to train for athletic pursuits that seem to be beyond my reach. These pursuits, and sometimes my lack of ability to accomplish them, humble me in ways that other things can’t. That being said, on Monday, I will start training for my second Half Ironman, the Racine 70.3 which will take place on July 20 in Wisconsin. My training schedule will consist of three weekly runs, two swims, and two bikes. I have a tentative schedule, but I want it to be flexible. I am trying not to let this training schedule become one more thing that gives me stress. The act of exercise is very stress reducing, but the coordinating of it all can be stress inducing.
For example, today I realized that I wanted to use the weights and the track at the Ball’s “new” wellness facility. so I went and paid $90 for a faculty pass to the SWRC, but then I remembered that I am taking a class in the spring. I looked to see how much I had to pay as a student, and found out that they changed it, so I didn’t need to pay at all, that it’s included in my tuition for my class. Curses. Many curses. All that to say, my stress level was elevated by that drama, but then I said to myself, don’t worry. And I didn’t stress.
Another thing that helps me not to worry about things and to reduce my stress is eating properly, which for me means eating as close to paleo as possible. Usually I lean more toward the primal end of things because I eat cheese on occasion, and I’ve decided to let myself have some legitimate popcorn once in a while. As you’ve noticed on my list of goals, I intend to be alcohol free this year, with the exception of a celebratory beer or two after Racine 70.3, after Big Shoulders in September, and after Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon in October. I’m also aiming toward minimal ice cream and candy consumption, so about 90% paleo. When I eat right, I feel better, and when I feel better, I exercise more. Since I’ve gained 25-30 pounds since July, I figure I have a lot to lose when it comes to healthier eating this year. My goal is to lose a total of 60 pounds by next December, and I really I hope I can do it. Again, though, my main goal is reduced stress and no worries, so if I lose it, I do. If I don’t, I don’t. I’m aiming to make real life changes here.
So, in a nutshell, no worries. Every little thing’s gonna be alright.
Well, I already had to change some of the goals I listed that I wanted to accomplish before my 40th birthday. Some of them I may have to accomplish during my 40th year, and some I just decided weren’t all that advantageous, so I changed them just a bit. Here’s the new list, and some immediate ways in which I’ll attempt to accomplish these goals.
Exercise related:
Run a marathon. This is still a goal, even though I can’t run at all right now because of my sore foot. Slow and steady wins the race. This will be one that I have to complete during my 40th year. I am aiming for the Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon in October.
Finish the Racine 70.3 on July 21. I’d like to finish it in under 8 hours.
Swim a 500 in 7:30 minutes.
Take a yoga class. I suppose I could do this through the Ball, but I am not sure if I will have the time. This may wait until we move. Practice yoga each morning. I plan to get up at 4AM starting on January 6, so I can meditate, pray, do a wee bit of yoga, run one mile, and do my burpees.
Do a 30 burpees in 30 days challenge. I will start this on January 1. 6.
Ride a century ride on the bicycle. This doesn’t have to be official. If I ride from here to Gaston to Richmond and back, that’ll work.
Meditate for at least 15 minutes each day. I will start this on January 1. 6.
One of my goals in this section is to swim the Chicago race called Big Shoulders. I plan to do it, but it doesn’t happen until September, so it really won’t happen before my birthday.
Food related:
Eat paleo at least 80% of the time. Preferably eat paleo as much as possible.
Try foods that aren’t the usual things I eat.
Visit every Indiana brewery with my brother. Visit every Indiana State Park with my brother before I move in June.
Learn to cook one new thing each month.
Do not drink alcohol until my birthday. This will start on January 1 6. I moved the start dates to correspond with school starting back up. I find it’s easier to accomplish my goals if they don’t start over break.
Reading, writing, or art related:
Read the whole Bible. I’ve read the whole text, but I’ve never read it all the way through.
Reread the Harry Potter series. Read a book each week. Preferably a new book, but oldies but goodies are acceptable as well.
Finish the Sketchbook Project book I just received in the mail. Even if I don’t finish it in time to turn it in, in January, I still want to fill it.
Finish my master’s degree in creative writing. Get my project published somewhere.
Post a blog post three days one day a week. Write something every day.
Personal:
Get a new tattoo.
Lose 40 pounds. That’s 5 pound a month, or roughly one pound each week. Surely I can do that, right?
Find a job doing something I love.
In the immediate future, on January 6, I plan to get up at 4AM, do the sun salutation poses, run one mile, do 30 burpees, then pray and meditate. I will follow that with breakfast. I will swim on Monday and Wednesday after class. I will do longer runs on Tuesday and Thursday after school and on Saturday mornings. I will walk on my lunch hour with Abbie. Finally, I will bike on Fridays and Sundays. My goal is to continue this until it becomes habit, then move forward with other goals. These are things I would like to accomplish for me. For peace of mind. For grace.
As I was sitting here thinking about how to change my life and the things I want (or need) to accomplish before I turn 40, I came upon a former preservice teacher’s Facebook post. LeeAnn posted a list of 25 things she wanted to accomplish before she turned 25 and then made her way through the list. According to the post, she hasn’t done all 25 things, but I am not sure that she is yet 25. I love the idea of having goals and trying to accomplish them by a monumental birthday. And, it just so happens that I will turn 40 in seven months and seven days, which is 219 days. I don’t think I have time to do 40 things by 40, but I can do 20 things by 40. If I should happen to accomplish all 20 and have time left over, I’ll just make a new list. Let’s see how many of these things I can accomplish before my birthday:
Exercise related:
Run a marathon. This is still a goal, even though I can’t run at all right now because of my sore foot. Slow and steady wins the race.
Finish the Racine 70.3 on July 21. I’d like to finish it in under 8 hours.
Swim a 500 in 7:30 minutes.
Take a yoga class. I suppose I could do this through the Ball, but I am not sure if I will have the time. This may wait until we move.
Do a 30 burpees in 30 days challenge. I will start this on January 1.
Ride a century ride on the bicycle. This doesn’t have to be official. If I ride from here to Gaston to Richmond and back, that’ll work.
Meditate for at least 15 minutes each day. I will start this on January 1.
One of my goals in this section is to swim the Chicago race called Big Shoulders. I plan to do it, but it doesn’t happen until September, so it really won’t happen before my birthday.
Food related:
Eat paleo at least 80% of the time. Preferably eat paleo as much as possible.
Try foods that aren’t the usual things I eat.
Visit every Indiana brewery with my brother.
Learn to cook one new thing each month.
Do not drink alcohol until my birthday. This will start on January 1.
Reading, writing, or art related:
Read the whole Bible. I’ve read the whole text, but I’ve never read it all the way through.
Reread the Harry Potter series.
Finish the Sketchbook Project book I just received in the mail. Even if I don’t finish it in time to turn it in, in January, I still want to fill it.
Finish my master’s degree in creative writing. Get my project published somewhere.
Post a blog post three days a week. Write something every day.
Personal:
Get a new tattoo.
Lose 40 pounds. That’s 5 pound a month, or roughly one pound each week. Surely I can do that, right?
Find a job doing something I love.
I am not sure how much meaning there is in this list, but there are some things on this list that I’ve been hoping to do for a while. Maybe by articulating them, I’ll have greater success.
Most people who know me would not be able to believe that my two favorite liturgical seasons are Lent and Advent, in that order. I love spiritual waiting, because I know at the end of the wait there will be Jesus. I love the anticipation of Jesus, who is in all ways God, coming to earth in all ways human during Advent. I reluctantly wait for his inevitable death with the promise of resurrection during Lent. There is nothing quite like spiritual anticipation to make a person realize how blessed we are on this earth, how much the God of the universe cares for us and gives us grace. I agree with Nadia Bolz-Weber when she insists that our spiritual and theological lives consists of hundreds, if not thousands, of little deaths, resurrections, and rebirths (paraphrase). So it is every day for me. Anticipation of these spiritual events keeps me keeping on. Anticipation gives me hope.
Contrarily, I do not love earthly waiting. Instead I am like the cliché kid in the candy shop, wanting to take as little time as possible to make things happen in this world. I want things and I want them now. Maybe that’s why I put so much stock in Advent and Lent; it makes feel as if I have some otherworldly waiting ability. Anyway, I’m in a period of waiting now, on this earth, for the next steps. I’m leaving teaching at the end of May, at least for a while, until I can figure out what I want to do with myself. I’m hoping to be a bartender, or a barista, or something that involves the outdoors for a bit. I need to regroup and rethink and refocus. So, I am waiting to see what comes next. And it feels like an eternity. And it feels like so many things to figure out. And it feels overwhelming.
*
Well, I tried a Whole 30, but again didn’t succeed. It takes a lot of work for me to be that strict with my food. Food is love and grace for me, and I still want to share in happy hour with my friends. Maybe I’m a weak person, maybe I have no self-control (see above, I want it, now), maybe I need a legitimate starting point like New Year’s to make things stick, maybe I’m just destined to be a fat kid. Who knows? What I do know is that from my lowest weight last year until now, I’ve gained almost 30 pounds. I chalk it up to stress, since I eat my feelings. I chalk it up to the mild depression I feel every fall/winter, since I sometimes don’t even want to get out of bed.
I am nowhere near my fattest, but I am not happy with this weight gain, because I can’t run, bike, or swim as fast. That being said, I’m cruising through the holidays, and then I’ll try to make some changes. It’s too much to try to be festive and self-policing at the same time.
I have also fallen short of my yearly goal this year to move my body 5 miles each day. I don’t think there’s any way for me to accomplish this goal, since my body doesn’t seem to want to cooperate with my grand plan of completing a mini-triathlon each day. I did four days worth, but then my body sort of said, “Fuck you, fatty, this is too much exercise.” And now my foot hurts, and I don’t think I can do it. But I’m going to try again starting tomorrow.
*
I’ve been trying to write with my students this semester, but all I’ve gotten out of it is a load of crap and some really bad starts to several nonsensical stories. I am taking a teaching creative writing class this spring semester, so I can make something out of my classes for my PhD that I won’t be using for an actual PhD, since I quit. I hope the muse comes back to me before I have to start working on my creative project for the Master’s degree I’ll be trying to get. It’ll be in creative writing, and I have to write a new creative nonfiction piece that is publishable. This may be a bit tricky. Anyway, my whole point is I need a muse.
*
I have never felt so much stress at any point in my life up to this date. I can’t imagine being a person who is this stressed all the time, nor can I fathom how some people function while carrying around such a huge load of anger, suspicion, and doubt as I see people carrying. I have found myself wondering how people keep from simply collapsing under the weight of the burdens they bear, because I sometimes feel like I could cave to the small amount of things I shoulder.
During this Advent, my heart hurts for people who experience stress, despair, anger, suspicion, doubt, hate, a painful past, or illness, and I pray and hope for healing, peace, love, and grace to visit them through me. I anticipate that the risen Christ will show through me and my actions as I love people this Advent. I anticipate being grace.
The ideas you find here are solely mine, but I have made every attempt to give credit to any sources I may have used. You should not associate the opinions or ideas written in this blog with my employer, colleagues, or peers. Nothing that you read here is meant in any way to represent anyone else's opinions or ideas, nor is it meant to cause injury to anyone else.